I love these jokes, anyone got any good ones. These are a few of my favourites: Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having *** with his waitress. Every night, the boogeyman checks under his bed for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Loughduff Lad (Cavan) - Posts: 2466 - 10/12/2009 12:04:25    509525

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table. He only recognises the element of surprise.

These jokes are even funnier if you substitue Chuck Norris for a local GAA character.

Breffni40 (Cavan) - Posts: 12291 - 10/12/2009 12:37:22    509552

Why does Emily Bishop have a lodger ?

____________

Because she is afraid to Chuck Norris

ruanua (Donegal) - Posts: 4966 - 10/12/2009 12:40:33    509563

Yeah Breff, the Larry Reilly ones are classic. there was a great thread on that on the Cavan board somewhere. I'll try and resurrect it somehow.

Loughduff Lad (Cavan) - Posts: 2466 - 10/12/2009 13:01:28    509586

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water and make it drink.

Chuck Norris can kill 2 stones with one bird.

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 9724 - 10/12/2009 13:11:45    509596

If you have $5 and Chuck Norris has $5, Chuck Norris has more money than you

Adler (Monaghan) - Posts: 754 - 10/12/2009 13:40:55    509628

Loughduff Lad
County: Cavan
Posts: 194

509586 Yeah Breff, the Larry Reilly ones are classic. there was a great thread on that on the Cavan board somewhere. I'll try and resurrect it somehow.

---------------
Do lad. there was a great one about him hopping the ball twice in an ulster final.. and about him being a plumber or something... DO IT, do it

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 10/12/2009 14:20:23    509675

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits. Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat." Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber. Chuck Norris only uses one chopstick. Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now." Chuck Norris has never had an alcohol problem. However, alcohol has had a Chuck Norris problem. Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings. Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier. Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's ******* beef. Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris. As Chuck Norris approaches zero, zero runs like a little b*t*h.

Con (Louth) - Posts: 511 - 10/12/2009 14:34:54    509693

Can't find the thread, but I did find this: >>People thought Pele was great because he played for Brazil in the World Cup when he was seventeen. When Larry was seventeen he was playing with Knockbride minors, Knockbride junior B's, the odd senior game, St. Brigids u21's, Bailieborough schools u18's, the Cavan Vocational schools team, AND the Cavan Minors. >>Maradona may have used the hand of God to beat England, but only Larry could get away with hoping the ball twice and scoring the equalising point in an Ulster final. >>Pele and Maradona would run the length of the field, go around every opposition player including the goalkeeper and tap it into the empty net, Larry just runs to the corner and scores from there. >>Pele needed to advertise viagra to turn people on. Larry Reilly just has to play football. >>Because there's only one great team play in blue and white, and it's not Argentina. >>In Brazil there's a special edition toilet paper called 'Pele'. There was going to be a toilet paper called 'Larry', but Larry Reilly doesn't take **** from anyone. >>Pele and Maradona had some of the world's greatest ever players playing alongside them. Who had Larry? >>I've never seen Pele bust through two Aussie Rules players and come out with the ball. >>If Larry was a bullock, you'd say, " he's winthered well!" >>Pele and Maradona played in some of the biggest and finest stadiums in the world, but you'd never see them scoring 1-8 against Killagarry of a winters evenin'. >>Larry Reilly defies physics, no man weighing fifteen stone could be that fast. >>There'd be no point in ringing Maradona if you had a pipe leaking. >>Larry Reilly says shin gaurds are for babies. >>Pele and Maradona may have come up against defenders from every corner of the world but did they ever skin Francie Bellew?...Larry sure did. >>You always hear players being branded 'the new Maradona', or 'the new Pele'. You'll never hear anyone being called 'the new Larry'. You know why?...Because there'll only ever be one Larry Reilly

Loughduff Lad (Cavan) - Posts: 2466 - 10/12/2009 14:53:35    509715

And here is some more: Larry Reilly rents videos and never rewinds them, ever. When Larry Reilly was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables. Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "Larry Reilly". If you wake up in the morning, it's because Larry Reilly spared your life. Larry Reilly won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are ***. Every day is the longest day of Larry Reillys life. For terrorists, the shortest. What colour is Larry Reillys blood? Trick question. Larry Reilly does not bleed. Larry Reilly once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys. When Larry Reilly stares into the sun, the sun flinches. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Larry Reilly says its beef. Then it's beef. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Larry Reilly does not feel like carrying you. James Bond has a license to kill. Larry Reilly don't need any licenses. Larry Reilly' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Larry Reilly. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Larry Reilly. Sounds like a fair fight. When the kids born in the twenty first century grow up they will not have heroes, but rather Larry Reilly. Larry Reilly is the only hero.. Larry Reilly doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was hittin another defender twelve miles away. Larry Reilly once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves. You can lead a horse to water. Larry Reilly can make him drink. Larry Reilly once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

Loughduff Lad (Cavan) - Posts: 2466 - 10/12/2009 14:56:24    509720

And here is the last ones: When you open a can of whoop-ass, Larry Reilly jumps out. Simon Says should be renamed to Larry Reilly Says because if Larry Reilly says something then you better do it. Larry Reilly does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink. When Google can't find something, it asks Larry Reilly for help. What have you done with your life? There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Larry Reilly way. It's basically the right way but faster and more sidesteps.. When Larry Reilly goes swimming he doesn't get wet, the water gets Larry Reillyed. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Larry Reilly. Larry Reilly counted to infinity - twice. Larry Reilly invented every colour. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink. When Larry Reilly does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. Larry Reilly hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. Larry Reilly gave Mona Lisa that smile. Larry Reilly can slam a revolving door. Larry Reilly's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Larry Reilly. Larry Reilly can speak Braille. Superman owns a pair of Larry Reilly pyjamas. Larry Reilly owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno. Larry Reilly sleeps with a night light. Not because Larry Reilly is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Larry Reilly. Once a cobra bit Larry Reilly's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died. Larry Reilly divides by zero. When Larry Reilly exercises, the machine gets stronger. Larry Reilly sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled drinking ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Larry kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month in Canningstown. Larry Reilly can kill two stones with one bird. Larry Reilly once devoured a whole wheel-barrow full of clay to prove to a friend that the expression "******* bricks" wasn't just a figure of speech. The only time Larry Reilly was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Loughduff Lad (Cavan) - Posts: 2466 - 10/12/2009 14:56:43    509721

haha those larry reilly ones are highly larious!!!!he's no joe though...

jesus could walk on water,joe canning could walk on jesus.

catch_it_wil_ya (Galway) - Posts: 541 - 10/12/2009 16:55:07    509854

Chuck Norris coined the phrase I could eat a horse..he then proceeded to eat every last Unicorn on the planet.

PrideandPassion (Mayo) - Posts: 3 - 10/12/2009 20:52:00    510184

Chuck Norris sleeps with the light on
Not that that Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark
The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

lilywhite09 (Kildare) - Posts: 80 - 10/12/2009 21:32:21    510247

When you say ''No one's perfect'', Chuck Norris takes it as a personal insult.

Covie.in.D7 (Mayo) - Posts: 164 - 11/12/2009 13:52:59    510797

There's a good version of this related to Mr 'T'. Must find a link for it and post here. One that springs to mind is '' Mr T works on a 3000 f.p.p.s ratio. Fools pitied per second!''

dubupnorth (Dublin) - Posts: 1897 - 11/12/2009 14:03:19    510809

the us government thought fort knox wasn't safe, so they put the entire us gold reserve around Mr T's neck

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 11/12/2009 14:22:54    510843

And on the 7th day Chuck Norris said " STOP STOP You are doing it all wrong.

Tubs.of.ices (UK) - Posts: 33 - 11/12/2009 14:28:32    510851

*Everytime a church bell rings , Mr T pities a fool
*The last man to make eye contact with Mr T was Ray Charles
* Mr T doesn't breathe , air hides in his lungs for protection
*There are only 4 horsemen of the apocolypse. Mr T chooses to walk
*There's no such thing as gravity. Mr T pities everything to stay down. Exept for planes & birds , because they're shaped like a 'T'
*Mr T invented fools. Then when he realised the magnitude of his folloy he invented pity.
*When Mr T received his star on Hollywood's walk of fame , he made his hand prints AFTER the cement was dry.
* When Mr T folds his arms , the US terror alert level is raised to gold
*Mr T isn't black. It's just the sun is too afraid to shine on him.
*Mr T's feather earings came from a foolish bird he once pitied.

dubupnorth (Dublin) - Posts: 1897 - 11/12/2009 15:54:06    510943

Chuck Norris grinds coffee with his teeth then boils the water with his own rage. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father The Caesarian section was invented when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his way out of his Mother's womb Death by Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is the preferred method of execution in 17 US states 'The grass is greener on the other side' Not if Chuck Norris has been there first , the grass is covered in blood & tear stains. Chuck Norris is orbited by 8 moons. The largest being Earth Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter when Chuck Norris dials 1800 numbers , he lifts up his phone and money falls out.

dubupnorth (Dublin) - Posts: 1897 - 11/12/2009 16:55:14    511025