A Derry fan drives about in a white van. He hates seeing people walking around in Tyrone Jerseys, everytime he sees a Tyrone fan he swereves across the road to hit him but turns away in time not to.
One day he's driving along and he see's the Priest walking along, the Derry fan pulls over and says to the Priest

'Father where are you heading to?'

Priest replies: 'I'm going to Mass to say a St. Josephs service'

Derry fan: 'Do you want a lift Father?'

Priest: 'Yea, why not.'
They're driving along when the Derry fan sees a fella in a Tyrone jersey he swerves across the road and again intentionally misses the Tyrone fan. He hears this loud thud and looks in his rear mirrors but can't see anything. Then realising he had a Priest in the van he quickly apologises.

'Sorry Father but I didn't mean to hit him!'

Priest says: It's ok I got the f**ker with the door!

Armaghgeddon (Armagh) - Posts: 539 - 12/12/2008 18:56:16    163379

Two sausages in a pan, one says to the other, "Man, it's hot in here!" The other replies, "JESUS CHRIST A TALKING SAUSAGE!!"

TheRevolution (Mayo) - Posts: 487 - 12/12/2008 20:46:12    163449

An american was touring around Ireland one day when he stopped two men working on the side of the road. One was digging a hole and the other was filling it in just behind them until they moved to the next hole and repeated the routine,
The American was confused and called one of them over and asked him " Excuse me sir, I've been watching you both for the past hour and it all seems so pointless, you dig a hole and the guy behind fills it in, it seems a total waste of time! explain to me what is going on"
The irish man explained " Well we usually work as a trio, I dig the hole, and Pat over there fills it in but Mike who is off sick today works between us, he plants the tree"

bananapublican (Leitrim) - Posts: 878 - 19/12/2008 19:21:18    168433

Seasonal joke for yiz!!
Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshipper?? He sold his soul to Santa!!!!

dubupnorth (Dublin) - Posts: 1897 - 23/12/2008 14:25:08    169987

What's the difference between Snow-men and Snow-women?
Snow-balls.

How do snails keep their shells so shiny?
Snail Varnish.

Sorry, opened some of the crackers early.

donegal_insider (Donegal) - Posts: 584 - 23/12/2008 15:16:19    170013

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 24/12/2008 17:52:22    170413

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'

The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 24/12/2008 17:53:22    170414

A man goes to a psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about relations."

The psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologist says, "Very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"

The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"

The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with relations."

"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 02/01/2009 14:23:45    172068

Dr. Ian Paisley is in a bad car accident and suffers a stroke as a result. He wakes some 20 yeras later bearly rembering anything.
He turns to his son and asks what had happened in the meantime. Mournfully his son says "its terrible father, Brian Cowan made Ireland a 32 county nation again, we have nothing!"
"ah no, what else happened?" said Ian.
"worse the DUP party was dissolved, we are all out of the job!!" said the son sadly.
"ah no!!! jesus give a man some good news will ya!"
"mmm, well Rangers did beat Celtic the other day", said the son as a smile came over his fathers face.
"Aaahhh yes, good old Rangers, what was the score?" he enquired.
"Rangers 2 goals and 5 points, Celtic, a goal and 6!!"

milhouse (Cavan) - Posts: 469 - 02/01/2009 18:09:58    172156

Real Country Music Song Titles:

At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump

Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
Come out of the Wheatfield Nellie, You're Going Against the Grain
Cow Cow Boogie (Moo Moo My Love)

Did I Shave my Legs for This?

Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight?

Don't Chop Any Wood Mother, I'm Comin' in With a Load!

Don't Give Me A Plastic Saddle 'Cuz I Want To Feel That Leather When I Ride

Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through The Goal Posts Of Life.)


Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.

Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms

Heaven's Just A Sin Away.

Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.

High Cost of Low Living

How Can I Get Over You if You Won't Get Out from Under Me?
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?
I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral.
I Bought the Shoes that Just Walked Out on Me

I Don't Want Your Body If Your Heart's Not In It.
I Fell for Her, She Fell for Him, and He Fell for Me

I Got Through Everything But The Door

I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.

I Only Miss You On The Days That End In " Y "

I Sent Her Artifical Flowers For Her Artificial Love
I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
I Wanna Whip Your Cow.
I Want a Beer as Cold as My Ex-Wife's Heart
I

BIG SACKS (Tyrone) - Posts: 1681 - 02/01/2009 20:04:26    172217

A man goes to his doctor...
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

BIG SACKS (Tyrone) - Posts: 1681 - 02/01/2009 20:05:48    172218

John Terry is making his own vodka......He bottles it in Moscow

its old but will never be forgotton:-D

speakmymind (Cavan) - Posts: 9 - 02/01/2009 22:01:51    172255

Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to
have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can
have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'

Little Paddy thinks, 'Whoo hooo! I'm bleedin' deadly at General
Knowledge.
This is gonna be sooo easy!'
Teacher: 'Right class, who can tell me who said. "Don't ask what our
country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"
Little Paddy shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher
looking round picks Farqhuar-Fauntleroy at the front. "Yes, Farqhuar?"
Farqhuar (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Farquhar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we
will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Little Paddy is even more
determined.

Teacher: 'Who said."We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight
them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never
surrender?"

Little Paddy's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I
know. Me Miss, me Miss!" Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin-Smythe,
sitting at the front: "Yes Tarquin?"

Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is
Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come
back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Little Paddy is hyper, he's been
studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation.

Teacher: '"Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for
mankind?'"

Little Paddy's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his
seat, jumping up and down screaming "Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know.
Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee "

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes Rupert." Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English
accent): "Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, the first moon
landing."

Teacher: '"Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come
back into class on Tuesday."

Little Paddy loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee
chair at the wall. He starts screaming "WHERE THE F**K DID ALL THESE
ENGLISH B*ST*RDS COME FROM?"

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: "Who said
that?"

Little Paddy grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Padraig
Pearse, GPO, 1916. See ye on Tuesday Miss."

wise_guy (Tyrone) - Posts: 1584 - 03/01/2009 12:19:02    172339

A man and his mother-in-law went to Jerusalem and while they were there the mother-in-law passes away. The priest says to the man, "for $150 we can bury your mother-in-law here or for $5000 we can ship her back home to be buried. The man replies, "oh I will definitely have her shipped back home because if I remember correctly awhile back a man was buried here and after 3 days he came back to life".

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 08/01/2009 17:45:49    175949

why did the manager flood the pitch?

because he was bringing on a sub

gooseontheloose (Tyrone) - Posts: 309 - 08/01/2009 21:27:43    176129

Rumours are circulating that Christiano Ronaldo dived from his car just before is crashed yesterday. When Police arrived at the sceen Ronaldo was heard complaining that the wall wa snot 10 yards away. Alex ferguson claims that Ferrari do not give Ronaldo enough protection. And finally police are investigating why the worlds best footballer can't take a corner.

bocerty (Tyrone) - Posts: 539 - 09/01/2009 16:25:16    176828

I just nicked a joint of beef from Tesco yesterday - the security man ran after me shouting what you doing with that? I said spuds peas and gravy you nosey *******!!!!!

bocerty (Tyrone) - Posts: 539 - 09/01/2009 16:28:31    176836

listening to five live last night by any chance docerty?

what do you call an englishman holding a bottle of champagne after a cricket match? Waiter

why don't the england cricket team need injections before they go on tour? because they never catch anything

SamiPremier08 (Tipperary) - Posts: 177 - 09/01/2009 22:02:02    177071

David Beckham arrives home one day to find Victoria all sweating, flushed and breathless..., He rushes over to her and asks if she is alright.
Posh stutters a reply "I'm - er, er.... I'm having a heart attack"

"Oh no" he cries in despair. "I'll call an ambulance" He runs downstairs and picks up the phone and begins dialling 999. However, he is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn.
"What's the matter son?" asks Becks.

"Uncle Giggsy is in the wardrobe with no clothes on, daddy" sniffles Brooklyn. Infuriated by this, Beckham runs upstairs and kicks down the wardrobe door. Sure enough, the carpet-chested Welshman is stood there, starkers.

"You plonker Giggsy" screams Becks.
"My wife is right over there having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the dung out of Brooklyn?"

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 15/01/2009 19:44:42    181712

Mick and Paddy were two Armenian men working at the local
sawmill.

One day, Mick slipped and his arm got caught and severed by
the big bench saw.
Paddy quickly put the limb in a plastic bag and rushed it
and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy went to the hospital and asked after Mick.

The nurse said, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Paddy
couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back
exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's
back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days went by, and Mick slips and severs his
leg on another big saw ,thingamebob.

So Paddy put the limb in a plastic bag and rushed it and
Mick off to hospital.

Next day he called in to see Mick and asked the nurse how he
was.

The nurse replied, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'
and sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious
work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to
work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another
accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head
in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he went in and asked the nurse how Mick was.

The nurse broke down and cries, 'He's dead.'

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'

'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey Jinnet put his head in a
plastic bag and he suffocated'.

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 15/01/2009 19:49:24    181717