Two women walking home from the pub after a fair few drinks decide to stop in the graveyard to go to the toilet!!

The next day their husbands are talking to each other and one says worryingly to the other "I think my wife is cheating on me she came home from the pub last night with no knickers!!". "You think thats bad" said the other husband "my wife came home with a note in her knickers saying YOU'LL BE DEEPLY MISSED-FROM ALL THE GUYS AT THE FIRE STATION"

would_ya (Westmeath) - Posts: 51 - 28/11/2008 15:03:34    152479

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," the woman replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."

"I know,"she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

Boxtyeater (Leitrim) - Posts: 735 - 28/11/2008 22:01:39    152801

A guy is tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asks him a question, and as he turns to answer, the peanut falls into his ear. He tries to dig it out, but that only pushes it in deeper, so he and his wife decide to go to the hospital.
As they're about to go out the door, their daughter comes in with her date. They explain, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."

He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows and the peanut flies out of his ear. The mother and daughter are all excited, but the daughter's date says, "Ah, it was nothing."

After her daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be."

The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law."

Boxtyeater (Leitrim) - Posts: 735 - 28/11/2008 22:05:17    152802

A Roscommon fan was at home watching his team on telly playing when a neighbour called in. they watched the game and as per usual, they lost. The neighbour was stunned to see not only the Rossie fan dejected but also the dog, he was rolling around the floor whining. The neighbour said " What is the dog at" The rossie fan replied " He takes roscommon defeats very badly, he usually rolls around the floor crying every time they lose, he is abig ross fan" "Jees" replied the neighbour " What does he do when Roscommon win". "I dont know" Replied the Rossie fan " I only have him 6 years"
Boom Boom

bananapublican (Leitrim) - Posts: 878 - 29/11/2008 12:34:51    152896

Two Dubs "businessmen" were sitting down
for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn`t ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick
culchie is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we`re selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
curious cork man walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Cork accent asked "What are ye sellin`here boys?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We`re selling @rse-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the Corkman said,

"Jays ye`re doin well ... Only two left!"

washer (Westmeath) - Posts: 39 - 01/12/2008 21:24:18    154256

How do you make a cat go WOOF?
Soak him in petrol and light him!!

bananapublican (Leitrim) - Posts: 878 - 03/12/2008 12:38:05    155765

With the credit crunch we all have to watch our money,

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say,

'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,

and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther,

I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,

and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the

both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word,

I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy

maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and

over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything

I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther

fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

Sparrowhawk (Tyrone) - Posts: 107 - 05/12/2008 11:34:36    157687

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick.

Brolly (Monaghan) - Posts: 4472 - 05/12/2008 12:34:20    157772

Whats blue and fluffy?

Blue Fluff.

Brolly (Monaghan) - Posts: 4472 - 05/12/2008 12:37:17    157779

Another credit crunch one:
Her: We're a bit short on money, you have to give up beer
Him: But you just spent ?100 on make up, why do I have to give up something if you don't?
Her: I need the make up to look pretty for you
Him: Thats what the beer is for!

For some reason that doesn't go down too well....

laoistownie (Laois) - Posts: 409 - 05/12/2008 13:28:12    157836

to the first poster of this thread...............how are ye all in public service? an bord snip is comin after ye.

voiceofreason (Mayo) - Posts: 588 - 05/12/2008 13:40:00    157850

What do yo call a good looking woman from Donegal?


Tourist.

Armaghgeddon (Armagh) - Posts: 539 - 05/12/2008 13:43:33    157858

a bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling I was a hooker" He says thats alright dear your past is your past...... but I must admit I find it erotic, tell me about it". The wife says "my name was Nigel and I played for Munster"!!!! Paddy and Mick go up in a small plane. Mick says to Paddy "if we turn upside do you think we'll fall out?" Paddy says "will we **** we've been mates for years" Two Dublin mums on a bus. One says "is ya baby teevin yet?" The other says "yea, so far he's got me two dvds a mobile phone and a laptop"!!!

bocerty (Tyrone) - Posts: 539 - 05/12/2008 14:12:05    157889

An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long
flight. The lawyer is thinking that Irishmen are so dumb that he could
put something over on them easily...So the lawyer asks if the Irishman
would like to play a fun game. The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines and tries to catch a few winks. The Italian lawyer persists, and
says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't
know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know
the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Irishman's
attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to
the Moon?' The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls
out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and
searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all
the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching
he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500. The
Irishman pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up
and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four?'
The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.

Don't mess with the Irish.

Caff01 (Mayo) - Posts: 124 - 05/12/2008 15:09:58    157994

Dubs at their best!!! ---> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gi44s2c-ecs&feature=related

galwayfan (None) - Posts: 764 - 05/12/2008 16:29:32    158113

How do they measure class in Mayo?

By counting the tourists

mossbags (Galway) - Posts: 1089 - 06/12/2008 18:40:58    158615

Once upon a time......


Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.

He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,
Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this
incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva,

if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch,

and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers..

Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick.



The moral of the story - Pay your f*cking bills.

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 08/12/2008 20:03:45    159637

A man in Cavan calls his son in London a couple of days before
Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that
your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her".
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like
hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this".
She calls Cavan immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow . Until then, don't
do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?", and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he
says,

"they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way..."

P.S. they gererally have a game of rounders after the dinner, TOM

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 11/12/2008 22:19:14    162599

Man goes to the grave yard and as he walks in he sees four men carrying a coffin and walking around the place.
Thinking nothing of it the man goes to his grave, says his prayers and makes for the church on the way in he sees the same four men still carrying the coffin and walkin about aimlessly.
Perturbed but determined the man heads on in and makes his peace with the big fella.
On the way out of the grave yard the man sees the men walking with the coffin still and stops the grave digger to ask him:

"whats goin on here?"

the grave digger looks up and replies "them boys have lost the plot"

joan_balantine (UK) - Posts: 824 - 12/12/2008 16:48:56    163240

good one joan, good to see you still have a sense of humour. Seemed a bit tetchy on other threads. but but but, graveyard is all one word. keep her lit

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 12/12/2008 17:12:51    163279