WARNING - Be careful if you're driving past old trafford this week. A lot of people have picked up 3 points there recently

who says us United folk don't have a sense of humor .

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 11/12/2013 16:58:58    1522686

A badly injured canine limps into a wild west saloon. The music stops, all become silent and turn to face the wounded animal. The mutt surveys the assembled cowboys and yelps out "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw".............

beal (Mayo) - Posts: 1388 - 13/12/2013 18:09:25    1523546

There are some horrible people around today.

I heard a cat crying outside my window earlier, I looked outside and saw 3 men wearing Liverpool shirts playing football with it.

I was just about to ring the authorities when the cat went 1-0 up.

Mully1957 (UK) - Posts: 2 - 13/12/2013 20:18:13    1523588

What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

Why don't cats like online shopping? A: They prefer a cat-alogue.

What did the cat say when he lost all his money? A: I'm paw!

What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar? A: A sourpuss!

I have a lot more pussy jokes but i doubt it would get past the adjudicator

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 13/12/2013 20:37:38    1523590

A woman is on trial for shoplifting. She is sitting in the courtroom next to her husband.
The judge says to her, "I'm going to have to make an example of you, what did you steal?"
She says, "I stole a can of peaches."
The judge asks, "How many peaches were there in the can?"
"Five," she answers.
The judge says, "I'm going to give you five years."
The woman starts to cry.
And suddenly her husband jumps up and says, "Your honour, last week she stole a can of peas!"

A man was sued by the woman next door because he called her a pig.
They went to court and the judge told the man he had to pay for emotional abuse.
The man asked, "Does this mean I can't call Mrs Harding a pig anymore?"
The judge replied, "Of course you can't, that's why we just went through this."
"Well", the man said, "Can I call a pig Mrs Harding"
"Sure, why not", the judge replied.
The man then turned around, looked his neighbour and said, "Good Morning Mrs. Harding."

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 20/12/2013 09:11:46    1525498

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you eat with that?"

RebelCork (Cork) - Posts: 789 - 20/12/2013 13:24:43    1525598

I think it's incredibly brave of Thomas Hitzlsperger to come out and admit he played for West Ham.


Just heard some terrible news.
My mate was killed working in a Nestle factory last night. Apparently he was squashed to death by a load of chocolate bars. He lay there shouting "The milky bars are on me!" and everyone just cheered.

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 10/01/2014 13:24:34    1529993

a man just called to my door there now, he was about 3 foot 3, said he was the metre man!

pig.ignorant (Derry) - Posts: 655 - 10/01/2014 15:20:16    1530070

Oxfam have requested no more United jerseys

beal (Mayo) - Posts: 1388 - 10/01/2014 20:02:54    1530246

Overheard 2 Cavan men behind me in the Hogan just before kickoff in the Kerry match :

What way does the wind blow?

Everyway!

GreenandRed (Mayo) - Posts: 7724 - 10/01/2014 21:04:09    1530279

green and red ........... Kick off????
It's not Urlaur Utd you know.

beal (Mayo) - Posts: 1388 - 11/01/2014 17:43:49    1530444

Jesus Beal you're right. Too much time spent on Elevenaside. Urlauur!s not too far from. Ballyhillarious either !

GreenandRed (Mayo) - Posts: 7724 - 12/01/2014 14:37:20    1530634

Seamus had a terrible affliction all through his teenage years when he gradually during puberty started developing "bulging eyes" all through secondary school and college all the nicknames and strange looks battered his confidence, it effected every facet of his life like attending job interviews or any social interaction with the opposite sex. Eventually he decided to bite the bullet and attended a surgical clinic to rectify the matter, after a week of medical tests he eventually went under the knife and following 4 weeks recovery all was back to normal and he felt human again. To celebrate his new found confidence Seamus went to the best tailor in the City, on entry the Tailor says I have no need to Measure you, I know by looking at a client the exact measurement and if I ever get it wrong which I never do, I will give you your suit for free. Ok says Seamus belt away; right says the tailor, Jacket, 44R, Shirt 16 and ½ pants 31 inch leg, waist is mmm 36inch shoes, you like a 10 ½ yes says paddy in amazement and then finally says the tailor you take size L underwear… aaah ha says Seamus your wrong I only take size Medium…. Ah would you away out of that says the tailor, if wore size Medium underwear size medium sure your eyes would be bulging out of your head

Horsebox77 (Kerry) - Posts: 5491 - 30/01/2014 11:45:17    1538689

Show me the legal difference

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is much smarter than any cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON, and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop's expense!
Irish cop says, "License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish cop says, "Ye didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish cop says, "Ye still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please, sir."
London Lawyer says, "What's the bloody difference?"
Irish cop says, "The difference is, the sign says stop, not slow down, so, ye have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Irish cop says, "Sounds fair enough, please exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Now, ye English a**ehole, do ye want me to stop, completely, or just f@@king slow down:"

Horsebox77 (Kerry) - Posts: 5491 - 24/02/2014 15:43:08    1550705

Winning the Scottish Premier League is pretty much like winning a 100m race against Adele, Brian (Biffo) Cowan and John Goodman


Cant wait for the World Cup Brazil 2014 to start,I remember during the world cup back in 2002 we would play a drinking game

If Sol Cambell scored we would drink Sol.

If Paul Scholes scored we would drink Skol.

If Beckham scored we would drink Becks.

Thank f*** Seaman was a goal keeper

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 28/03/2014 10:35:00    1566093

fortyfive... please stop

wicklu (Wicklow) - Posts: 331 - 28/03/2014 13:12:59    1566190

What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 9556 - 28/03/2014 15:28:23    1566297

Cliff Richard was on a Tour of China , when approached by a fan ! Who said .... Criff I Ruvv you , I Ruff dat song , Itchy Sore Fanny !!! Cliff Replied , I never sung a song by that name !!! Oh yes u did , replied the WEE China Fan . It goes. , Itchy Sore Fanny. We Don't talk anymore.

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 25/04/2014 12:16:06    1579811

Paddy was digging a hole in his garden when Mick arrived on scene. Mick says to Paddy "paddy that's a big hole your digging" Paddy says "yes lm burying me budgie!" "It's a bloody big budgie" says Mick ."yes says paddy and it's inside your Cat!

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 02/05/2014 08:56:51    1583221

What Ship has never Docked in Liverpool ? The PremierSHIP

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 09/05/2014 13:36:25    1585784