13/11/2008 14:22:00
FromTheNa
County: Mayo
Posts: 395

The other day as i was walking home I seen an old woman standing at the side of a busy road. I asked if she had been standing there long to which she replied she had, she then asked me if i could see her accross the road...
I ran accross and shouted over "yes, clearly"

LOL. I like it FromTheNa. They old ladies are funny funny funny!!

RMDrive (Donegal) - Posts: 2202 - 13/11/2008 21:23:34    140942

Heres one for the Carlow lads. An old woman was walking on the side of the road weighed down by a load of shopping bags. The Carlow County Board official was on the the other dide and asked her if she could manage. The woman replied 'I dont want the ****** Carlow job'

oneill12 (Kildare) - Posts: 35 - 13/11/2008 22:07:15    140986

The Limerick manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new centre forward, to replace his old and decrepit players hoping to win the Sam Maguire. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi GAA player who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.
Mickey Ned flies to Baghdad to watch him, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.
Two weeks later Limerick are 4-10 to 1-10 down to Kerry with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi lad the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 4 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Limerick .
The fans are delighted, the players are delighted, the coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first game in the Championship.
Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 3 goals down but I scored 4 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, everyone, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day.
1. Your father got shot in the street.
2. Your sister and I were ambushed and beaten.
3. Your brother has joined a gang of looters.
All this while you were away having a great time. The young lad is very upset, What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry. "Sorry"? says his mum, "You're feckin sorry????


It's your fault we moved to Limerick in the first place!"

optimist (Louth) - Posts: 188 - 13/11/2008 22:11:28    140991

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that and you didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Frances56 (Dublin) - Posts: 378 - 14/11/2008 01:17:27    141138

Clearly took place when the weather was better.

True story apparently........

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove their car to Asda, only to have the car break down in the car park.

The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closed inspection, she saw his hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.

Unfortunately, although he was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up hubby's shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.





The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Sparrowhawk (Tyrone) - Posts: 107 - 14/11/2008 08:55:08    141180

Just heard a leper failed his driving test!
he left his foot on the brake.

Leper who was a professional card player....rubbish apparently, never won any games, threw in his hand.......

Chester1970 (Armagh) - Posts: 509 - 14/11/2008 12:00:35    141347

Leper who was a professional card player....rubbish apparently, never won any games, threw in his hand.......
Chester1970 , 14/11/2008 at 12:00
___________________________________

Yep Chester and the rest laughed their heads off. Or the leper cowboy who threw his leg over a horse. How do you make a skeleton? Put a leper in a wind tunnel!

JayoCluxton (Dublin) - Posts: 2688 - 14/11/2008 12:13:33    141376

Woman rings 999 and tells the operator " My waters have just broke, i think my baby is coming ", The operator replies " where are you ringing from ?" The woman replies "from the waist down".


A Cavan man rings the dentist and asks how much a tooth extraction is. The dentist tells him it is 80 euro. The Cavan man asks " Could you do it cheaper if you leave out the anesthetic ?" and the dentist tells him that it would be very painful but would only cost 55 euro. "What if you have a trainee dentist do it ?" asks the Cavan man. The dentist tells him that it would be very unprofessional but only cost 35 euro. "What if you have other trainee dentists there learning at the time" asks the Cavanman. Well that would be very useful training alright replies the dentist and would reduce the fee to 10 euro. Brilliant replies the Cavanman, "" Could you book the wife in for Friday" !!

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 14/11/2008 12:28:16    141408

or heard a boy murdered one.....stuck 2 straws up his nose and sucked till his head caved in......

Chester1970 (Armagh) - Posts: 509 - 14/11/2008 12:34:19    141417

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the frigging dark! ' says Murphy.

DUBEXILE (Dublin) - Posts: 57 - 14/11/2008 16:58:42    141747

Who's the nicest person in a hospital?


The Ultrasound guy!!!!

mossbags (Galway) - Posts: 1089 - 16/11/2008 16:41:02    142354

What do you call a cat with two legs--- Kathleen

oneill12 (Kildare) - Posts: 35 - 17/11/2008 21:24:15    143498

How do you confuse a Laoisman.



You don't. They're born that way.

oneill12 (Kildare) - Posts: 35 - 17/11/2008 21:25:11    143500

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking  that she
>probably had a really hot daughter we drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
"What's that a drink?" I asked. "No it's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what  this daughter of hers might look like, I said, breathlessly, "No, I haven't." We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, "Tonight's your lucky night."

We went back to her place. We walked in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:


'Mom, you still awake?'



Give ageism the red card

JayoCluxton (Dublin) - Posts: 2688 - 25/11/2008 15:36:36    149522

Girlfriend asks boyfriend "if my right leg was breakfast and my left leg was lunch what would you prefer. Boyfriend says "eating between meals"


An Irishman was having an affair with an italian woman. One night she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage he gave her a large amount of money to have the baby in Italy. If she stayed in Italy he would provide child support until the child was 18. She agreed but asked "how he would know the baby was born?" He told her to drop a postcard with the word "SPAGHETTI" on the back. 9 months later he came home his confused wife said "you got a very strange card today". "I will explain later" he said. But as he read the card he turned white and fainted. On the card
"SPAGHETTI"
"SPAGHETTI"
"SPAGHETTI"
two with meatballs one with out.
Send extra sauce!............

bocerty (Tyrone) - Posts: 539 - 25/11/2008 16:03:59    149573

Man rings 999 and tells the operator that he was on the way to the maternity when his wife started to give birth in the car.
The operator asks " Is this her first child?" and the man replies "No this is her husband!!"

Woman rings 999 and tells the operator that the shop on the corner is being robbed. The operator says " Have you got an address?" and the woman replies "No, I am wearing a blouse and slacks"

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 25/11/2008 19:31:35    149825

whats brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre.

Sisco87 (Tipperary) - Posts: 759 - 25/11/2008 20:43:50    149876

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 25/11/2008 22:42:11    149977

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

washer (Westmeath) - Posts: 39 - 25/11/2008 23:20:11    149999

What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?
A BABOON!

washer (Westmeath) - Posts: 39 - 25/11/2008 23:24:03    150002