I was in tesco & asked for a burger, they asked do i want anything on it so I said a fiver each way

meathalltheway (Meath) - Posts: 789 - 17/01/2013 15:11:32    1319726

What's funny about 5 black guys driving off a cliff?
Nothing - they were my friends.

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 9556 - 17/01/2013 15:12:07    1319727

Just got ordered one of those new healthy Hamburgers their Low in FAT but high in SHERGAR

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 17/01/2013 15:57:40    1319755

NEW TV IDEA!

Gavin & Stasi

Mathew Horne is forced to endure brutal torture techniques employed by the former East German secret police.

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 9556 - 17/01/2013 16:40:18    1319786

Lockjaw
County: Donegal
Posts: 2607

1319786
NEW TV IDEA!

Gavin & Stasi

Mathew Horne is forced to endure brutal torture techniques employed by the former East German secret police.
__________________
Can I change it to James Corden, making it both funny and relevant:o)

brendtheredhand (Tyrone) - Posts: 10897 - 17/01/2013 16:49:10    1319790

Waiter asked did I want a Burger, I declined as I felt I may get the Gallops

tomsmith (Cavan) - Posts: 3988 - 19/01/2013 18:11:26    1320624

NEW FILM IDEA!

Admission Impossible.

Tom Cruise spends the entire film denying his homosexuality.

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 9556 - 21/01/2013 14:19:33    1321233

Just had my first sh.t since the horse meat scandal. It was good to firm, soft in places.

kerry74 (Kerry) - Posts: 1354 - 13/02/2013 19:12:29    1333661

Went to the doctor the other day. He said "I don't what's wrong with you, it might be the drink". I said "No problem doc I'll come back when you're sober".
Took my dog to the vet and he picked him up and looked at him. He said "I am going to have to put him down". I broke down and said "Why, what's wrong with him?". The vet said "He's a bit heavy".
Went into a pet shop and said "I want to buy a wasp". Fella behind the counter said "We don't sell wasps". I said "Well you have one in your window".

BOOM BOOM!

Ulsterman (Antrim) - Posts: 9794 - 13/02/2013 19:22:05    1333668

Jimmys losing matches

Malonemagic (Laois) - Posts: 806 - 13/02/2013 19:54:22    1333687

I went to a zoo the other day.......

there was only one animal there.......

A Dog..........

It was a shih tzu

s goldrick (Cavan) - Posts: 5520 - 14/02/2013 08:13:19    1333748

Man walks into a clock shop and says to the owner "Do you sell potato clocks?". The owner looks puzzled and replies "No I don't. I sell cuckoo clocks, alarm clocks, digital clocks but I've never even heard of a potato clock. What do you need it for?". Customer replies "I'm not too sure myself. I'm starting a new job tomorrow and the missus told me I'll need to get a potato clock".

Greenfield (Meath) - Posts: 523 - 14/02/2013 10:18:33    1333785

Roses are red, violets are glorious. Dont sneak up on Oscar Pistorius.

TheMaster (Mayo) - Posts: 16187 - 14/02/2013 17:23:32    1334077

TheMaster
County: Mayo
Posts: 5851

1334077
Roses are red, violets are glorious. Dont sneak up on Oscar Pistorius.

wrong time! wrong place!

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 14/02/2013 17:35:36    1334090

The Horse meat scandal has hit the Seafood industry in Killybegs they found seahorses in their Fisherman's pies .


Linda McCartney's range of Vegetarian burgers have been recalled after traces of Horseradish were found in them.

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 14/02/2013 17:39:55    1334092

A Dub, lilywhite and Royal D were shipwrecked and in a lifeboat. The boat drifted near an island so the Dub volunteered to swim to shore and raise help. He dived in and was only 20m from shore when Jaws attacked and swallowed him. A few hours later Lilywhite took a chance and dived in. He swam like Thorpe but Jaws attacked and swallowed him 15m from shore. Royal D stayed in boat for a few more hours but it started to drift back out to sea. He decided to take his chances and dived in. He swam like a dolphin but Jaws easily caught up, however the he took one look at Royal, turned and swam away. A mightily relieved Royal scrambled to safety and collapsed on the shore. The shark swam back to his friends who all looked at him, amazed at him letting a free meal go a begging. Whats up with you? They asked. "Did you not see what was on his t-shirt" answered Jaws, "it said Meath for Sam 2013, not even a shark would swallow that"

commander (Kildare) - Posts: 225 - 14/02/2013 19:26:58    1334168

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? Wi' jam in!

What does Bob Marley say when offering you a doughnut? I hope you like jammin to.

Why did they have so much trouble burying Bob Marley? A. His coffin kept jammin'

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 01/03/2013 16:01:50    1340962

A horse walked into a bar and the barman asked him, "Why the long face?"

The horse, unable to comprehend English, turned, sh1t on the floor and left.

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 9556 - 01/03/2013 16:09:42    1340966

Rod Stewart has been asked to sing at Margaret Thatchers funeral. But 'wake up Maggie' may not be everyones favourite.

kerry74 (Kerry) - Posts: 1354 - 12/04/2013 12:21:56    1366472

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and i...s certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!! Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What for?' Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.' London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.' Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License And registration, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.' Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.' The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the fuck out of the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?

Horsebox77 (Kerry) - Posts: 5491 - 12/04/2013 12:39:14    1366494