Two Englishmen refurbishing a shop in London, one says to the other "How long do you think it'll take til some idiot asks us what we're selling". Straight away an Irishman pops his head in, "Well lads, what are ye sellin?" The englishman says, "We're selling A***h***s mate". The Irishman replies "Ah only two left then i see, you must be doing well" FTQ

mr_t (Antrim) - Posts: 87 - 07/11/2008 13:41:49    136000

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment,.....I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered..."Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

joenot90 (Armagh) - Posts: 22 - 07/11/2008 14:08:37    136033

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon '**** off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

Hag_and_Cheese (Tipperary) - Posts: 6103 - 07/11/2008 14:08:53    136034

3 members of the Ku Klux Klan have been arrested in Coolock.


They were on their way to Kilbarrack!!!!!

daytona11 (Kildare) - Posts: 4012 - 07/11/2008 15:59:11    136219

Slasher had that up a couple of days ago daytona. It's a good one though!

mid-mon man (Monaghan) - Posts: 1680 - 07/11/2008 16:06:24    136233

07/11/2008 15:59:11
daytona11
County: Kildare
Posts: 1200

3 members of the Ku Klux Klan have been arrested in Coolock.

They were on their way to Kilbarrack!!!!!

Your version was good but I though the exact same joke on the previous page was better.

RMDrive (Donegal) - Posts: 2202 - 07/11/2008 16:10:15    136241

My version was better!! Plus posted on a Friday. Have a look at the tilte of the thread. Cheers ears!

daytona11 (Kildare) - Posts: 4012 - 07/11/2008 16:14:01    136253

mr_t
County: Antrim
Posts: 65

136000 Two Englishmen refurbishing a shop in London, one says to the other "How long do you think it'll take til some idiot asks us what we're selling".

Straight away an Irishman pops his head in, "Well lads, what are ye sellin?" The englishman says, "We're selling A***h***s mate".

The Irishman replies "Ah only two left then i see, you must be doing well"

FTQ

------------------------------------------

you wearnt by any chance on F365.com 2day?

ferm (Fermanagh) - Posts: 239 - 07/11/2008 16:30:20    136285

Why did the bakers hands smell?

He kneaded a S***

I just found out my dogs a locksmith. I gave him a boot and he made a bolt for the door.

Breffni40 (Cavan) - Posts: 12291 - 07/11/2008 16:45:22    136315

he posted the same joke. give him a break lads.

joan_balantine (UK) - Posts: 824 - 07/11/2008 16:50:35    136328

FromTheNa
County: Mayo
Posts: 383

135966 What did the Horse say to the one Legged Man.....

........How are ya getting on!!!!

GR8, TANX

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 07/11/2008 22:40:49    136567

what do you call postman pat after he retires?

......pat

mayo5051 (Mayo) - Posts: 106 - 12/11/2008 22:41:32    140119

dhorse - nothing personal i swear....

FromTheNa (Mayo) - Posts: 583 - 13/11/2008 10:51:24    140298

RMDrive
County: Donegal
Posts: 1147

129079 I was in Dunnes the other day doing the monthly shop, got to the checkout with trolley full to the brim. While I was waiting to be served a little old lady came to the queue behind me with just a pint of milk, so i asked her if that was all she had. She said yes. I said you better feck off then cause I'm going to be ages.
29/10/2008 17:02:02
RMDrive
County: Donegal
Posts: 1147

129080 I was in the ATM queue the other day and a little old lady in front of me asked me if I would help her check her balance. So I pushed her and when she fell I said "It's not very good".
---------------------------------
Cont........... The other day as i was walking home I seen an old woman standing at the side of a busy road. I asked if she had been standing there long to which she replied she had, she then asked me if i could see her accross the road...
I ran accross and shouted over "yes, clearly"

FromTheNa (Mayo) - Posts: 583 - 13/11/2008 14:22:00    140504

dellpole strolls into the pub.oright toma hows it going .not bad toma says`any news.dell says jesus i think the wife is pregnant again. and if she is im going to hang myself.jesus toma says dont do that u might be hanging an innocent man

tomaoo7 (Dublin) - Posts: 5896 - 13/11/2008 14:24:59    140506

Uncle Johnny was a terrible alcoholic, and so one christmas he goes into the family and tells the all "I'm makin a change...I'm goin to stop drivin". A couple of weeks ater he's on an all day session in Salthill and when he finally runs out of money he decides to go home, so he starts walkin. Its a long auld walk (Uncle Johnny is from Limerick...) and when he's goin thru Eyre Square he sees a massive crowd. Intrigued Johnny goes over and pushes his way p to the front, where he sees an American baptist minister and a big barrel of water. The minister takes a man from the crowd, makes him plunge his head in the barrell for a few seconds and when he comes out asks: "Did you see Jesus?", to which your man replies, "yes". This happens another few times, and then Johnny decides he wants a go, so up he steps, drunk as a lord, and sticks his head in the barrell. Your man asks "Did ou see Jesus?", and Johnny says "no", so he tells him to stick his head in again, with the same result. Your man is gettin annoyed at this stage so sticks his head in this time, sticks the foot on the back of Johnnys neck and waits for a few bubbles, at which point he lets Johnny up. Angry at this stage, he asks once m ore "Did you see Jesus?!" to which Johnny replies "Are you sure he fell in here?"....

halfcornerfull (Laois) - Posts: 139 - 13/11/2008 15:41:09    140580

Three Minute Egg

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 13/11/2008 18:00:05    140752

Two canibals are sitting down eating a clown, whaen one asks the other 'does this taste funny to you'

Wha wha........

Spuddy (Mayo) - Posts: 345 - 13/11/2008 20:23:28    140871

What does a Dublin man do when they win the All-Ireland?

Turns off the playstation and goes back to sleep.

rover08 (Longford) - Posts: 446 - 13/11/2008 21:07:14    140913

What does a Dublin man do when they win the All-Ireland?

Turns off the playstation and goes back to sleep.
rover08 , 13/11/2008 at 21:07
_________________________________________

Ha Ha - good one Rover! Reminds me a bit of the one I posted over 2 weeks ago on this thread - see below.

29/10/2008 12:42:24
JayoCluxton
County: Dublin

There's a good few Everton fans on here so here's one for ye -

Q: What does an Everton fan do after they win a game?

Ans: He gets up and turns off his Playstation !!!

JayoCluxton (Dublin) - Posts: 2688 - 13/11/2008 21:18:18    140932