The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.
She hit the roof.

I've been sleeping with this bloke's wife and today he sent me this text:
"You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!"
To which I replied:
"8 out of 10, I'll requires an apostrophe and a capital I."

And finally Is it just me......
or does anybody else find pressing F5 refreshing?

BettystownRoyal (Meath) - Posts: 3353 - 06/06/2011 20:36:28    949139

David Beckham arrives home one day to find Victoria, all sweating, flushed and breathless. He rushes over to her and asks if she is alright.
Posh stutters a reply, "I'm - er, er.... I'm having a heart attack."
"Oh no," he cries in despair. "I...'ll call an ambulance"
He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialling 999. However, he is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn.
"What's the matter son?" asks Becks.

"Uncle Giggsy is in the wardrobe with no clothes on, daddy," sniffles Brooklyn.
Infuriated by this, Beckham runs upstairs and kicks down the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, the carpet-chested Welshman is stood there, starkers.

"You wa*ker, Giggsy," screams Becks. "My wife is right over there having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the shit out of Brooklyn. What the f**k is wrong with you?"

Duffster (Meath) - Posts: 279 - 10/06/2011 10:37:57    952108

Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from homesickness, saying that even though he's happy in Manchester he does Miss Wales occasionally...

Duffster (Meath) - Posts: 279 - 10/06/2011 10:43:04    952115

My job is so unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel in the crown has got to be the stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big dog to work.
Every bloody day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single day.

Anyway, I drive these eejits around in my van and we solve mysteries and what not

square_ball_69 (Westmeath) - Posts: 826 - 10/06/2011 12:44:45    952265

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and as I was standing in the queue at the till a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.
I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road, wagging my tail, licking myself and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack, as he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid cow.........why else would I buy dog food.

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 9556 - 16/06/2011 15:47:18    958087

Ah lads sure we might as well call this the sickipedia thread

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 17/06/2011 09:40:16    958517

Imogen Thomas is reportedly now ready to start off her professional singing her. Apparently she's being doing gigs all over Manchester recently......

Laytown Legend (None) - Posts: 424 - 17/06/2011 10:38:49    958560

Mary and Josie, two itinerant and widowed women are out picking carrots in a field.

Mary lifts one up to examine it and becomes very emotional.

"This reminds me of me poor old Seamie" she says teary-eyed.

Josie replies " Is it the length of it or the width of it Mary?"

And says Mary " It's the dirt of it".

Laytown Legend (None) - Posts: 424 - 17/06/2011 10:42:44    958565

It was our wedding annivesary last month and the missus was dropping little hints every so often about what I should get her.

"I know you've come in to a bit of money lately", she says, " so I'd REALLY love something that goes from 0 to 180 in seconds"

So I got her a set of digital weighing scales and told her to step on them.

Laytown Legend (None) - Posts: 424 - 17/06/2011 10:47:55    958568

On the way to work this morning i saw a man in an AA truck. He looked a bit sad. I said to myself that man is heading to a breakdown.

xxx (Mayo) - Posts: 1275 - 15/07/2011 16:27:11    985460

if he's from mayo your probably right ;)

BettystownRoyal (Meath) - Posts: 3353 - 15/07/2011 18:11:44    985604

kildare people thinking that they are going to win the all ireland :D

meathalltheway (Meath) - Posts: 789 - 15/07/2011 18:22:14    985618

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while they were on holiday. She had a large house and believed she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep the first night she heard woeful growling, howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

She was unable to separate them and became perplexed as to what to do next. Although it was late, she called the vet who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his concentration and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.


It just worked for me," he replied.

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 15/07/2011 21:00:37    985845

What do Jumbo Jets and bleach blondes have in common?

They both have black boxes

Duffster (Meath) - Posts: 279 - 29/07/2011 20:45:05    998508

Cork for Sam 2011!!!!!!!

mayoboy1 (Mayo) - Posts: 1654 - 01/08/2011 18:27:58    1000888

I wouldn't be laughing at other teams mayoboy1 especially of the calibre of Cork.

Its not so long ago were the laughing stock of Ireland after being taken to extra time by London..

vice99 (Donegal) - Posts: 1054 - 01/08/2011 19:06:13    1000949

vice99
County: Donegal
Posts: 527

1000949 I wouldn't be laughing at other teams mayoboy1 especially of the calibre of Cork.

Its not so long ago were the laughing stock of Ireland after being taken to extra time by London..

I'm not laughing at Cork. I would never laugh at a team as good as Cork.

It was just a joke. What this thread is for. Get over it.

mayoboy1 (Mayo) - Posts: 1654 - 01/08/2011 19:25:43    1000975

Got arrested for peeing in a can......they are trying to charge me with possession of a canapiss.

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 03/08/2011 10:53:28    1002215

a teacher drew a crocodile on the blackboard..
teacher: what is this?
one of the students: lacoste sir


two fleas want to do shopping and one asked the other; shall we go on foot or take a dog?


a cross-eyed guy joined the army.......he was sent to the Indiscriminate bombing section

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 04/08/2011 16:09:22    1003535

"Good sex is like a good game of bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 08/09/2011 13:59:52    1029871