Went to the gym today and said I wanted to learn to do the splits. They said 'how flexible are you?'........I said 'I can't make Wednesday's.'

mozsyh (Kildare) - Posts: 172 - 02/06/2011 11:47:45    946023

A Cavan man and his wife were at the fair one day and were approached by a man with a stunt plane who asked them if they would like spin for 20 pounds, the Cavan man was quick to refuse at such a price so the pilot made a second offer, he said he'd bring the pair in the plane and if they could both sit through the stunts without screaming or making a noise he wouldn't charge them, the couple agreed and got into the plane.
The pilot pulled every stunt in the book, he dived, turned, twisted, loop-de-looped and couldn't so much as knock a peep out of them. Finally the pilot grudgingly returned to the ground and turned to the Cavan man sitting behind him. "By God I've never had anyone in this plane who I couldn't make scream, you must be made of strong stuff!" "Ah now it wasn't just that easy" replied the Cavan Man "You damn near had me when the wife fell out!"

Inactive x5 (Cavan) - Posts: 1452 - 02/06/2011 12:35:09    946079

Lockjaw it isn't being a dry s**** when you don't want to conform to a british stereotype of yourself and vice you ate just being insulting and that is saying more about you and your uncle Tom friends lockjaw and 45

ochonlir (Cavan) - Posts: 4343 - 02/06/2011 14:11:27    946187

ochonlir has a point here. If you took these same jokes and replaced ''Paddy'' with ''Coloured Gentleman'' then you would all be crying racist.

Lebowski (Meath) - Posts: 363 - 02/06/2011 14:43:07    946226

Seriously lads you need to get a grip I scrolled back to the first 3 pages of this thread and counted at least 9 paddy jokes alone .

paudi
County: Meath
Posts: 667

128876
a few paddy jokes for ye bois u probly know them all

Paddy Scotsman Paddy Welshman Paddy englishman paddy frenchman and paddy irishmen were on an aircraft inflying from europe to america.

Suddenly the two pilots appeared from the cockpit and informed the paddys that the engines on the planes have seized and that there was only three parrachutes on the plane and that they were taking two of them!!!!!!!!! So they put on the chutes n jumped off the plain,

The paddys started arguing over the last parrachutes until the gained sense. So Paddy welshman said " I'll do this for the sake of my country" and jumped off the aircraft.

Paddy Scotsman said " ach ay ill do this for the sake a my country" and also jumped off.

Paddy Scotsman Said " Viva La France" and jumped off.

The paddy Irishman said " ill do this for the sake a my country" And kicked paddy englishman off!!!!!!!!!


Another One is

Paddy Irishman Paddy Scotman Paddy Englishman and paddy chineseman were all tradesman. They all went for interview together for a job.
The interviewer asked Paddy Irishman wat he did and he replied " Im The best bricklayer in the emerald isle"
In turn he asked Paddy Scotsman the Same Question and he replied " im the best roofer in scotland".
Then he asked the englishman the same And he said " Im the best plasterer in all Of England.
In turn he asked paddy Chineses man the same he replied " im good for nothing"

The interviewer was impressed by the first 3 paddys and offered them jobs but didn offer paddy chineseman a job.

However the three paddys wouldn take up their respective jobs unless paddy chineseman got a jobb.Reluctantly he was givin a job and he was put in charge of supplies.

after a forthnight the boys realised that the hadnt seen paddy chineseman since they started so they searched for him. As they went looking up jumped paddy chinesman shoutings SUPPRISE

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 02/06/2011 15:26:35    946266

I was at my bosses house for dinner last night.

His wife asked me how many potatoes I wanted.
I said "Ill have one please".
She said "no need to be polite".
I said "OK then, Ill have one you fat cow"

Derry_ledd (Derry) - Posts: 2093 - 02/06/2011 15:42:45    946285

A man aked me whats my availablility to manage soccer teams in Sheffield.

I said "I cant manage wednesday!

Derry_ledd (Derry) - Posts: 2093 - 02/06/2011 15:43:48    946287

you wanna watch it there Derry_ledd you don't want to be called sexist !.

fortyfive (Tyrone) - Posts: 5929 - 02/06/2011 15:53:17    946300

Down with this sort of thing!

bananapublican (Leitrim) - Posts: 878 - 02/06/2011 16:50:59    946370

lebowski thats what i love about irish is that no matter how hard others try to be racist against us we just laugh i mean it wasn't until about the age of 14 i realized "paddy" was actually technically racist! i mean i like us being called paddys! i just find it gas when you hear brit or yank (excuse the racism) try to insult us with racist terms. "go fill a poth hole timmy"

BettystownRoyal (Meath) - Posts: 3353 - 02/06/2011 17:24:20    946413

A blind man went into a pub with his guide dog. The place was packed. The blind man then started to swing the dog by the lead and swung him around above his head. The customers were amazed at his antics. The barman asked him what the hell he was doing and he replied "I'm just looking to see if my friend is here" !!

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 02/06/2011 17:44:31    946430

A Meath man was driving through Cavan Town one day when he noticed a massive sign outside one of the pubs - "All drinks at 1950s prices". Intrigued he parked the car and headed into the pub. Once inside he asked the bar man whats the sign outside about? 'Well...' said the barman 'for today only the price of drinks in here are what they were in the 1950s'. Thats great thought the Meath man and he proceeded to have a few. Once he had reached his quota he headed on his way. Outside the pub he noticed a large gathering of Cavan men. He told them about the deal the pub was offering to which one of them replied 'We already know, we're waiting for happy hour.'

vice99 (Donegal) - Posts: 1054 - 02/06/2011 18:31:33    946453

Windmills.
I'm a big fan.

square_ball_69 (Westmeath) - Posts: 826 - 04/06/2011 14:10:17    947488

I'm just a farmer's labourer,
but when girls ask what I do,
I find 'Farm assist' sounds better.

The girl at the RyanAir check-in desk said, "Window or aisle?"
I replied, "Window or you'll what?"

I went to a really posh school.
In fact, the school was so posh that the Gym was called James.

I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it's 15p.
I've adjusted the price to allow for inflation.

I went to Poland once. It was the worst of the Teletubby themed amusement parks.

I bought Bonnie Tyler's car last year on ebay.
It's awful, every now and then it falls apart.

Some say a world without sin is ideal, but I disagree. After all, there's only so many problems which can be answered with cos and tan.

square_ball_69 (Westmeath) - Posts: 826 - 06/06/2011 18:08:39    948971

tea is for mugs.

BettystownRoyal (Meath) - Posts: 3353 - 06/06/2011 20:25:55    949125

A G N B:

That's bang out of order.

BettystownRoyal (Meath) - Posts: 3353 - 06/06/2011 20:27:20    949127

I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from homesickness, saying that, even though he's happy in Manchester, he does Miss Wales occasionally.

I can't believe it. Me and my wife were sitting watching TV when the founder of Apple just walked into the house and took all our Mr Sheen!

F*****g Jobs, coming over here and stealing our polish.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."

BettystownRoyal (Meath) - Posts: 3353 - 06/06/2011 20:29:34    949130

I'm always frank with my sexual partners.
Don't want them knowing my real name, do I?

BettystownRoyal (Meath) - Posts: 3353 - 06/06/2011 20:30:20    949131

My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.
He is now classed as a seasoned veteran.

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.
I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

A book just fell on my head.
I've only got myshelf to blame.

I shot someone with a starting gun.
I've been charged with race crimes

BettystownRoyal (Meath) - Posts: 3353 - 06/06/2011 20:32:02    949135

So 1p has been cut from petrol?
I don't think etrol has quite the same ring to it.

Wind turbines.
I'm a big fan.

BettystownRoyal (Meath) - Posts: 3353 - 06/06/2011 20:33:50    949136