Brian Cowan was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings. The teacher asked Mr Cowan if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So the illustrious leader asked the class
for an example of a 'tragedy'. A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my
best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs
over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.' No, said Brian - that
would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus
carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that
would be a tragedy' I'm afraid not, explained Brian - that's what we would
call great loss. The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Brian
searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of
a tragedy?' Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his
hand... In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Mr.Lenihan
was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would
be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Brian. 'That's right. And can you
tell me why that would be tragedy?' 'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to
be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably
wouldn't be a bucking accident either

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 31/10/2008 15:58:21    131079

bloke goes 2 buy a talking dog. he gets there, the dog says "alright mate" guy says "f--ing hell seen it all now". dog says "ive won crufts five times been on tv, sniffed out cocaine at dublin airport and been mascot for the dubs on all ireland final day, as well as running 5 marathons". guy turns to the owner and asks "why you selling him then ?" owner replies "cos hes a lying c---"

bigfinger (Tyrone) - Posts: 203 - 31/10/2008 16:35:40    131138

A CLARE JOKE

the lady from Kilmaley was going to America to sons wedding. She was accompanied by husband of course. Anyway she got on the plane and the hubby did too. When they got seats she was on outside hubby in middle and on the inside next the window was an American tourist returning home. The hubby soon struck up a conversation with the Yank who wanted to know why they were off to US. The man told him his son was getting married. Very good said the Yank. The lady was hard of hearing so she nudged the hubby... 'whats he saying, whats he saying?'. The hubby told her that the man wanted to know why they were going to states. Ok. Then the Yank wanted to know where in US they were going and was told NY. Of course the lady missed this and again nudged hubby who again relayed details of question and answer. Then the Yank asked where they were from, hubby obliged and after a nudge from wife relayed what had been said. The Yank stroked his chin at this latest piece of information. Yeah Kilmaley... you know he whispered 'the worst s** I ever had in my life was with a lady from Kilmaley'. Again the lady nudged the husband hard 'Whats he say, Whats he say?' The hubby repled 'He thinks he knows you'

BIG SACKS (Tyrone) - Posts: 1681 - 31/10/2008 18:28:09    131230

Johnny Murphy from Tipp was heading to London and a going away party was held in the local in Fethard. Great Turnout altogether at it, as he headed for the toilet during the night a woman of considerable age grabbed him by the arm. Johnny was startled so he asked what was up.
She said " I am Mary Dunne from about 5 miles away, I know your family and i heard you were heading for London",
" Thats Right" says Johnny.
"Well" she said " Let me warn you my son Neil, we use call him Neily, went to London 5 years ago and we never heard from him since, Dont put your parents through that, we've been sad ever since"
Johnny said " i am sorry to hear that, if i see him i'll tell him to get in contact, would you have any idea where in London he went?"
Mary thought for a second and said " after a week there, he sent a Post card and it said WC1, the post code" Johnny said he'd do his best and left her.
The following week Johnny took off from Shannon ( a few years Back) and landed in Heathrow, took the tube into Euston Station. He got off the tube and was walking down the platform when he noticed the toilets, 20 of them marked 1-20 with WC marked above them.
He couldn't believe his luck so he went to WC1 and knocked on the door, when an english voice replied " Yes".
Johnny said " Sorry are you Neilly Dunne"
The voice replied " I am but there is no paper"
Johnny said " Maybe so but that still no excuse not to write to your mother" Boom BOOM

bananapublican (Leitrim) - Posts: 878 - 31/10/2008 19:14:29    131252

jesus walks into a hotel,goes up to the front desk and put three nails on the table and says will you put me up for the night !

what has a women of ninty got between her breasts that a women of twenty hasnt got ? her belly button !

whats the first sign of football in the bible ?jesus going in for the cross and the romans nailed him !

DOCTOR ive good news and bad news ,which do you wanna hear ?eh the bad news please "were gona have to cut both your legs off : and whats the good news ?theres a fella in the next ward that wants to buy your shoes !

bisto kid (Cavan) - Posts: 492 - 31/10/2008 19:46:01    131260

Mary and Pat are married three week. Pat comes home from the pub and Mary announces " There will be no sex tonight as i have the womans monthly. " Pat replies " I dont care if you have the Farmer's Journal, you're not reading it tonight. "

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 31/10/2008 22:02:23    131295

Whats pink and hard The leaving cert honours maths paper

xxx (Mayo) - Posts: 1275 - 03/11/2008 10:42:56    132230

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. You've done very well so far,' said,Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left -phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?' 'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?' A: Sparrow B: Thrush C: Magpie D: Cuckoo I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate,and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. 'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.' 'Are you sure?' 'I'm ****** sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.' 'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris 'Dat it is, Sir.' There was a long, long pause, then the presenterscreamed,'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!' The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. 'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest? 'Because he lives in a ****** clock!!!

JayoCluxton (Dublin) - Posts: 2688 - 03/11/2008 11:43:58    132288

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

JayoCluxton (Dublin) - Posts: 2688 - 05/11/2008 14:18:34    134257

This is one for Liam

A man is sitting at home looking at his marriage certificate. His wife asks "what are you looking for?" the man replies "the f**king expiry date"

bocerty (Tyrone) - Posts: 539 - 05/11/2008 16:06:57    134374

gardai have just pulled 4 Ku Klux Klan members from a car in Coolock. They were on their way to Killbarack.!!

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 06/11/2008 00:00:22    134783

lol, very good cavan_slasher

Derry_ledd (Derry) - Posts: 2093 - 06/11/2008 10:04:14    134874

A fella goes to buy a talking dog, he arrives at the gate of the house where the dog is, the dog say 'alright bud?'' The guy says '******* hell, i've seen it all now!', the dog says 'i've won crufts 4 times, been on T.V. and films, i've sniffed out explosives in the north during the troubles and have run 5 marathons!!' The fella then asks the owner 'why are you selling him then?', the owner says 'coz he's a lying ****!!!!!'

buckshot (Donegal) - Posts: 185 - 06/11/2008 10:11:37    134880

Obama presidency is in doubt... Cork hurlers unhappy with the result!!!

DUBEXILE (Dublin) - Posts: 57 - 06/11/2008 12:08:19    134985

good one slasher.

paudi (Meath) - Posts: 681 - 06/11/2008 12:23:24    135006

Barak Obama made history today as he became the first black man to enter the White House .... without a mop and bucket !!!

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 06/11/2008 18:57:04    135404

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor."Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath."Did you see this terrible accident happen?""Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly."Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?""Yep.""Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped."Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.""The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief."Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 06/11/2008 19:28:06    135423

Postman Pat's Last Day It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie.She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced.When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage, Tomato and freshly-squeezed orange juice.When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the five quid for?' 'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you.' 'I asked him what to give you.' He said, 'Feck him. Give him a fiver.' She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea'

Rio Bingo (Tyrone) - Posts: 788 - 07/11/2008 08:21:18    135631

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

joan_balantine (UK) - Posts: 824 - 07/11/2008 12:53:14    135951

What did the Horse say to the one Legged Man.....




........How are ya getting on!!!!

FromTheNa (Mayo) - Posts: 583 - 07/11/2008 13:12:17    135966