Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden....... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet." "Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee." So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat. "Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree." "Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget." "Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree". And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath. "Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree." "Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "Pepe... ees not a bacon tree... Eees..... a Ham Bush.

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 18/10/2009 23:16:55    458284

An Irish worker was going through the customs to England, with a bag under his arm.
The Custom's officer Said, "I say Paddy, what have you got there?"
Paddy replied: "Got a suck Pig".
Custom's officer: I say, "I say Paddy, you have a pig, and what are you going to do with the pig"?
"Oh!" says Paddy; "Going to take him back to the boarding house in Birmingham, and feed him on scraps from the table; fatten him up and finally have some good bacon. Can't get good bacon in Birmingham."
Customs officer: "You're going to bring the pig back to your boarding house?
Paddy: "Aye, can't get good bacon there".
Custom's Officer: "What about the smell".
Paddy: "Oh! He's just going to have to put up with it, like the rest of us".

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 19/10/2009 19:51:21    459397

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the
entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was
taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked,"Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,
"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am.. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are
also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the
little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor!
Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on
the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have
thrown the wrong bi*%h out the window.

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 22/10/2009 10:34:42    462578

At a recent Manchester United-Liverpool derby, Sir. Alex goes into the United changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Liverpool and we can't be bothered, they're ****". Fergie looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub." So Fergie goes out to play for the Red Devils by himself and the rest of the United team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the television on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Manchester United 1 - Liverpool 0 (Ferguson 10 minutes)." He is beating Liverpool all by himself! Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until Scholes remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on. "Result from Old Trafford: Manchester United 1 (Ferguson 10 minutes) - Liverpool 1 (Torres 89 minutes)." They can't believe it; he has single-handedly gotten a draw!! They rush back to Old Trafford to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. He says, "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!" the players say. To which Fergie replies: "No, No, I have, I've let you down I got sent off after 12 minutes"

pidge (Cork) - Posts: 543 - 23/10/2009 14:38:24    464259

Why did the man wear a mushroom to a party?


HE WAS A FUN-GI

why did mary fall off her bike?
someone threw a fridge at her

dubs4eva (Dublin) - Posts: 484 - 23/10/2009 19:56:08    464577

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she said.

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. .

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 27/10/2009 16:51:52    467591

23/10/2009 19:56:08
dubs4eva
County: Dublin
Posts: 18

why did mary fall off her bike?
someone threw a fridge at her

LOL. Quality stuff.

RMDrive (Donegal) - Posts: 2202 - 27/10/2009 17:19:38    467628

Q: What to you have if you place 4 ducks in a box?
A: A box of quackers

Christmas card special, now that the first of the christmas shops have opened.

John Boss (Tyrone) - Posts: 865 - 27/10/2009 17:27:32    467641

I like this its funny.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

hurlingguru (Carlow) - Posts: 1838 - 27/10/2009 18:00:41    467680

What`s the difference between a Dog and a Fox?..............10 pints!

gaelantrim (Antrim) - Posts: 1616 - 27/10/2009 18:06:50    467688

A fellow walks into a bar,notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to the brim with £10 notes... He guesses there must be more than ten thousand pounds in it.He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?' 'Well......you pay £10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money andthe keys to a brand new Lexus.' The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?' 'You must pay first...... Those are the rules,' says the bartender. So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the £10 note and the bartender drops it into the jar. 'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it. Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands. Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had ***.... You have to take care of that problem!' The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my £10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...' 'Your call,' says the bartender..... 'But, your money stays where it is.' As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says,' Where's the damn tequila?' He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body. He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 06/11/2009 20:15:10    477634

dhorse of your 3800 posts at least 3000 of them must be on this topic.....
still though, quality stuff

meath11 (Meath) - Posts: 85 - 07/11/2009 14:23:05    478077

A man walks into a butchers and asks the butcher "hav u got a sheeps head"
The butcher replies" No its just the way ma hair is combed"
Boom Boom

65mwtha36r47 (Tyrone) - Posts: 22 - 07/11/2009 14:49:17    478104

meath11
County: Meath
Posts: 69

478077 dhorse of your 3800 posts at least 3000 of them must be on this topic.....
still though, quality stuff

Only 32 i think. Joan Balantine started it, Where is she gone to??

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 07/11/2009 14:56:52    478108

The Soldier and the Nun A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way. "After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of B*%%S....I don't want to go to Iraq either." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 07/11/2009 16:24:21    478183

"Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no (h)arm in it' "

waynoI (Dublin) - Posts: 13654 - 08/11/2009 17:28:37    478726

The one legged horse said to the one legged jockey. How you getting on

Orlaith (Derry) - Posts: 4282 - 08/11/2009 17:45:47    478733

would the same joke worse for a normal legged horse ?

ruanua (Donegal) - Posts: 4966 - 08/11/2009 18:00:41    478747

zing!

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 09/11/2009 10:20:21    479157

A little boy says to his mother,"Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied,
"Don't even go there! From what I remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 12/11/2009 19:04:51    482404