A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.
Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for E1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for E2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for E375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.
The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 20/07/2009 14:46:06    353301

A Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and Paddy
were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front
of them.

Paddy fumed, "What's with those lads?
We have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The
Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
poor golf!"

The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it,
time is money"..

The Priest said, "Here comes
Mick the green keeper. Let's have a word with him."


"Hello, Mick! Said the Priest, "What's wrong with
that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"


Mick the green keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a
group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our
clubhouse from a fire last year,so we always let them play for free
anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The
Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight."

The Indian Doctor said, "Good
idea. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and
see if there's anything he can do for them."

The Chinese
Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate E50,000 to the
fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls"


Paddy said, "Why can't they ******* play at
night?".

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 28/07/2009 19:06:50    366923

THE LODGER

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
'Tuesday's the best night, when my husband goes out to GAA practice', she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Tuesday.
After her husband had headed off to training, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any hair 'downstairs' and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said, 'Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself'.
The following Tuesday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked her about it.
The girl replied. 'I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you?'
'Oh yes', said the woman and she showed off her sprawling mass of thick black, curly hair.
When the husband got back in the wife asked, 'Did you see it?'
'Aye', he said. 'But why the hell did you have to show her yours?'
'Why not?' she said. 'You've seen it all before.'

'I know', he said, 'but the rest of the GAA team hadn't'!

Wests_Awake (Galway) - Posts: 877 - 31/07/2009 15:09:19    371626

Why was six scared of seven???

Because seven eight nine!!!!

Sorry but it is Friday and the end of the week!!!

ced1980 (Roscommon) - Posts: 62 - 31/07/2009 15:45:41    371704

What do you say to Dub in Croker in September???

Two packets of crisps and a bottle of coke please.......

ballinaman (Mayo) - Posts: 226 - 31/07/2009 15:49:44    371715

That lodger one is brilliant Westsawake. I`ll be takin that one with me to the pub tonight.

gaelantrim (Antrim) - Posts: 1616 - 31/07/2009 16:20:36    371775

Chuck Norris, Mother Theresa and Nelson Mandela have all died and all three arrive at the Pearly Gates. They are told to go to God's office. He asks each of them what they want. Mother Theresa replies "I want to sit on your right hand" Mandela says"I want to sit on your left hand" Chauck Norris steps up "Get the **** out of my chair"

passerby (Tyrone) - Posts: 724 - 31/07/2009 17:14:53    371880

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she
went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than
ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'




'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 06/08/2009 19:48:32    381608

Woman walked into a bar and ordered a double entendre.

So the barman gave her one!

ClonoeExile (Tyrone) - Posts: 55 - 07/08/2009 13:48:03    382568

wanted-experienced welder to put roof back on double decker bus...please contact dublin county board....

7...stars (Meath) - Posts: 12 - 07/08/2009 14:25:39    382633

The IRA has released a statement congratulating Donegal and Dublin for their refusal to play GAA on British soil.

milo (Tyrone) - Posts: 238 - 07/08/2009 14:31:19    382651

Brendan Behan was asked to address an Oxford gathering on the difference between prose and poetry.
He said:

"There was a young man from Ringsend

Who worked for Ferrier-Pollox

He took a walk along Sandymount Strand

And the tide came up to his ankles".

"That my friends, is prose. Had the tide been further in , it would be poetry"

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 14/08/2009 18:09:43    392634

Milo, you pure stole that off Joe Brollys colum in the Derry journal!

Orlaith (Derry) - Posts: 4282 - 14/08/2009 19:12:09    392698

anything frankie boyle says makes my day :L although none of his posts would get posted here :L


he knows no limits...he made a joke about lewis hamitons brothers with 'cerebral paulsey' (dont know how to spell it) it was hilarious at the team but a bit immoral

fuppin (Tyrone) - Posts: 567 - 14/08/2009 20:05:18    392722

One day, a long time ago in a land far, far away, there lived a woman who did not nag, whine, or bitch.
But it was just ONE DAY and a long, long time ago

KevHill (Antrim) - Posts: 271 - 28/08/2009 15:35:04    407754

Got this from Soccer AM a few years back..............A wife asked her husband to go to the deli and get some snails so she could make escargot for tea. But on the way, he walked past the pub, and decided to call in for one beer. He stayed for another, and then another and another until the pub closed. He left and staggered on to the deli, but it was closed. So he went back to the pub, searched behind the car park, and gathered 20 garden snails. When he got home, he lined the snails up on the footpath and rang the door bell. The wife came out and yelled 'Where on earth have you been!' The husband turned to the snails and said encouragingly 'Come on guys, we're nearly there'.

Adler (Monaghan) - Posts: 754 - 28/08/2009 15:50:35    407792

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
 
    A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
 
    Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
 
    The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
 
    The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
    unheard of here, we know very little about it.' 
 
    The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
 
    The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
 
    The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
 
    The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only choice.'
 
    The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,  'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'
 
    The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
    The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'
 
    Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
 
    'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks.  Faw off by itself!' .

BIG SACKS (Tyrone) - Posts: 1681 - 28/08/2009 16:25:26    407852

Harley Davidson arrives at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter tells him "because you brought so much enjoyment to the world through your motorcycles, you are allowed to hang around with whoever you want!

Harley says "Any-one?"
Peter "yes Any-one"
H "What about the man Himself, God?"
P "Yeah no problem"

So God and Harley are hanging around Heaven just shootin the breeze and God asks "Harley, where you happy with everything in life, could I make any improvements?"
H "no no, life was and is good"
God " Come on harley, all humans have some complaint"
H "Well women, God, you could have done better there, they complain alot, moody, your damned if you do and damned if you do with women! You just can't live with them or without them!"

So God goes to investigate and returns a few days later and tells Harley he thought about what he said about women but he wasn't going to make any changes.

H "Why on earth not?"

"Well, Harley, theres more men riding my women than your motorbikes!!"

wise_guy (Tyrone) - Posts: 1584 - 28/08/2009 17:13:25    407941

Stole this from Matt Le Tissier in the Guardian. Took it a wee while to sink in.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are in the pub.
The Englishman says he has 10 sons. "One more and I'll have a football team," he says.
The Scotsman says he has 14 sons. "One more and I'll have a rugby team," he says.
Then the Irishman says he has 17 daughters, then adds: "One more and I'll have a golf course!"

Benandonner (Antrim) - Posts: 459 - 28/08/2009 17:59:13    407989

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales. At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?" The girl leaned over and said, "Burrr ? gerrr ? king!"

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 28/08/2009 20:00:44    408130