What did the mayonaise say to the fridge?
Close the door I'm Dressing!

Doireegurlie (Derry) - Posts: 337 - 05/06/2009 20:48:25    303033

Lawyer with a heart.

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two
men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor
man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,'
the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have
a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and
said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'

'Thank you for taking all of us with you
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.

'You'll really love my place.

'The grass is almost a foot high'

Sparrowhawk (Tyrone) - Posts: 107 - 05/06/2009 22:37:10    303118

TheLone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian
War Party

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" .......

"In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request???'
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night..
The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed..
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak

to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,
this
time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.*

She enters the Lone Rangers tent*
and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request ???"
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone.

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
looks
him square in the eye and says,
"Listen Very Carefully!!!!"
FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...

I SAID ...

"BRING POSSE"

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 12/06/2009 16:49:37    309660

whats brown and runs around your house? A Fence

mozsyh (Kildare) - Posts: 172 - 15/06/2009 22:08:43    312673

A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City.
He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?" He
repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish
bra, and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah,yes," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for
them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra,
or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
A little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?" The
saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple:

The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the
fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
"Hmmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"
A Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 16/06/2009 21:21:56    313979

Got a job in the wine and spirits department of Tesco. Got sacked on my first day. A Mayo man walked in and asked me could i recommend a good port. I says ''Yeah Rosslare, now clear off!''

ConnollyDub (Dublin) - Posts: 2007 - 17/06/2009 13:34:26    314673

I seen a dwarf geting pick pocketed the other day. I cant believe anyone could stoop so low! What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? Wipes his ****!

ConnollyDub (Dublin) - Posts: 2007 - 17/06/2009 14:57:59    314787

The cannibals son was ate before he was seven

Chester1970 (Armagh) - Posts: 509 - 17/06/2009 15:08:26    314814

An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily...So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game.
The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The Italian lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Irishman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500. The Irishman pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 17/06/2009 15:13:09    314819

What do you call Bob the builder in the recession?
Bob.

ACtribe (Galway) - Posts: 401 - 17/06/2009 15:33:42    314843

Why was the washing machine laughing? He was takin the **** outa the knickers

Doireegurlie (Derry) - Posts: 337 - 17/06/2009 15:37:33    314849

what do you call a snowman with a sun tan? .................. a puddle!

pig.ignorant (Derry) - Posts: 655 - 17/06/2009 15:48:15    314874

how do u find will smith in the snow?


look for the fresh prints

joan_balantine (UK) - Posts: 824 - 17/06/2009 16:48:08    314964

Whats the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
Dubai don't like the Flintstones but Abu Dhabi do.

Why didn't the lifegurad save the hippy from drowning?
(Adopt Hippy drawl) He was too far out Man.

Loughduff Lad (Cavan) - Posts: 2466 - 22/06/2009 14:26:13    319453

THIS MUST BE READ WITH AN ITALIAN ACCENT One day I gonna to Malta inna bigga Hotel, Ina morning I go down to eat my breakfast, I aska waitress I wanna two piecees toast, she bring me only one piece, and I tella I want two ****! She show me way to toilet. I say you not understand. I wanna two **** onna plate She say you better not **** onna plate, you sonnafa b*t*h. I don't even know this lady and she already call me sonnafa b*t*h. Later I go to eat at bigga restaurant, The waitress brings me spoon and knife but no fork? I tell her I wanna ****. She tell me to **** off! I tell her no understand, I wanna a **** on the table but she call me sonnafa b*t*h. So I go back to my room inna Hotel and there is no sheets onna bed, I call housekipping and tella him I wanna ****, he tell me go to the toilet, I say you no understand anna I wanna **** onna bed you sonnafa b*t*h! So I decida to go away and go to checkout, Man at the desk say: "peace on you" I say **** on you too'. I gonna back to Italy.

williewentwell (Tyrone) - Posts: 1712 - 24/06/2009 12:12:31    321643

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery..
You are welcome here as long as you like,
but you may not speak until directed to do so.'

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years
before the Priest said to her,
'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said,
'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said,
'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine,
and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery,
the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office.
'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest,
'You've done nothing but bitch ever since you got here.'

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 25/06/2009 22:43:10    323363

paddy went to london to complete on mastermind, with is specialist subject the easter rising. the presenter of the show asked paddy "how many people died during the rising?" - paddy replied "pass" the presenter asked another "what was the motive behind the rising?" - paddy again answered "pass" the presenter then asked 5 more questions about it, all answered with "pass" with the auidence in disbelief, one of paddys pals from the back gets up and shouts " GOOD ON YA PADDY, TELL THEM **** ALL!!"

acemarksman (Down) - Posts: 42 - 25/06/2009 22:58:21    323378

Father and young son are watching Father Ted.
Son: "Father Ted's dead, isn't he Daddy?"
Father: "He is."
Son: "Is he in heaven Daddy?"
Father: "Of course he is kiddo, he's not a real priest!"

Sawyer (Louth) - Posts: 269 - 25/06/2009 23:03:36    323387

Doctors say Michael Jackson died picking his nose..

There are not blaming the sunshine, not blaming the moonlight

they say it was a boogie

wise_guy (Tyrone) - Posts: 1584 - 26/06/2009 11:51:18    323740

An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. 'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson. 'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful' says grandpa. 'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone". ''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents", Abdulla says with a big smile. 'There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! ' There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'! ''There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor?! 'And me -- I haven't had *** for 35 years and they still call me 'The ******* Arab'."

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 09/07/2009 13:00:14    338745