Paddy English, Irish and Scots man are all on a GAA Tour to Saudi Arabia. They decided to celebrate with a few cheeky drinks only problem is that alcohol is illegal in the middle east. The Irish one being Irish gets his hands on some of the good stuff and the lads proceed to get fully wrote aff. Only problem is the guards catch them and send them to the emperor. The emperor orders them all to be lashed with a stick ten times. Beofre it starts he turns to Paddy Irishman and says your from a great and noble country with beautfiul loving women I will grant you one wish. Paddy Irishman responds that he knows what he has done is wrong and asks for a further 100 lashes. The emperor is stunned and after he praises the brave Irishman and reveals that for his nobility he can have another wish. Patrick looks at the English man who is a quivering wreck on the ground after taking his beating and said to the emperor: "Tie him to my back before I get my beating."

CheFinny (UK) - Posts: 1358 - 06/05/2009 15:32:45    276305

jaysus that last one was quite dark!!!!!!

trileacman (Tyrone) - Posts: 759 - 06/05/2009 16:37:32    276371

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: HOW SIMPLE









MONKEY BUSINESS





Once upon a time a man appeared in a village
and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for £10 each.






The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at £10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He then announced that he would buy monkeys at £20 each. This renewed the villagers efforts and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to £25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf. The assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my boss has already collected. I will sell them to you at £35 and when my boss returns, you can sell them to him for £50." The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for £700 billion. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkey

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 06/05/2009 17:59:27    276485

MONKEY BUSINESS

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for £10 each.
The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at £10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He then announced that he would buy monkeys at £20 each. This renewed the villagers efforts and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to £25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf. The assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my boss has already collected. I will sell them to you at £35 and when my boss returns, you can sell them to him for £50." The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for £700 billion. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!


Now you have a better understanding of how the Bank BAILOUT PLAN WORKS !!!

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 06/05/2009 18:00:52    276487

Paddy was in the pub one friday night and stood up and raised his glass saying " here is to the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife"
The barman gave him a free drink for such a good toast.
When he arrived home he told his wife he got a free drink for his toast.
his wife asked what did he say to earn the free drink
He lied and told her " here is to the rest of my life, going to the church with my wife"
His wife was very impressed. She was in the pub the next day and mentioned it to the barman that she was impressed with him giving the free drink to paddy for his toast. The barman said he was surprised he told her about the toast in the first place.
" I know" said the wife " He has only been there twice in the past year, once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come"

bananapublican (Leitrim) - Posts: 878 - 08/05/2009 13:16:44    278100

Some guy after calling to the door and said he was looking for my T.V. Licence. I told him to come in and i would help him look for it. Was'nt pleased at all !!

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 08/05/2009 18:46:38    278474

A groom went in to pay the priest after getting married, he said, "how much do I owe you, Father?" "Ah, give me what you think she's worth" the Preist replied. So the man, being smart, gave him a euro. As he was walking out, the priest called out "hold on a minute," and gave him back 50 cent.

1986man (Carlow) - Posts: 1 - 15/05/2009 13:12:09    284374

2 brunettes and a blonde were in the maternity ward.

One of the brunettes said ''I'm definetely going to have a boy cos my husband was on top''
The other said ''I'm going to have a girl cos I was on top''

The blonde started weeping unconsoleably '' I think I'm going to have pups''

Dr.Shephard (Leitrim) - Posts: 2187 - 15/05/2009 14:05:31    284438

Paddy who is 35 years old still lives with his mother at home.Paddy knows everything about tractors and if you ever had a problem Paddy was the man to call. However his mother is starting to get worried about him, when she dies he will have nobody and she thinks it is time for him to get a woman, move on with his life and forget about tractors. So Paddy decide to hit the local pub and find himself a woman.......

Next morning paddys mother walks into his room and finds him with a woman....she is over the moon and after a few months Paddy has decided to move in with her and things are going great! He has completely forgotten about tractors. So one Saturday night they are at the local disco and the smoke machine is going out out control and no1 can stop it! People are starting to run for the exits until Paddy jumps on stage and takes a big suck of smoke! He runs outside and blows it all out. Everyone in the night club is saved! The manager then buys Paddy a few drinks at the bar and his woman turns to him and says....Paddy how did you do that... to which Paddy replies "God did i never tell you?" ....... " I use to be an ex-TRACTOR fan"!!!!!

gaels_r_us (Tyrone) - Posts: 1 - 15/05/2009 14:30:34    284469

gaels_r_us
County: Tyrone
Posts: 1

284469

So bad its brilliant

Dr.Shephard (Leitrim) - Posts: 2187 - 15/05/2009 14:40:49    284486

" I use to be an ex-TRACTOR fan"!!!!!


-----------

posted already and u ruined the punch line.

joan_balantine (UK) - Posts: 824 - 15/05/2009 14:44:12    284492

CheFinny
Very Very Godd !!!!!

nemo (None) - Posts: 112 - 15/05/2009 15:07:50    284534

could be here already, but nway: A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'. The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'. The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the **** do you want?' 'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'.

pridengalway (Galway) - Posts: 327 - 15/05/2009 17:05:21    284693

South Carolina couple had 9 Children.
They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what
finally made them make the decision.
Why after nine Children would they choose to do this??


The husband replied that they had heard on the TV news that one out of every
ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't
want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them
could speak Spanish.

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 23/05/2009 12:50:51    291644

Sorry if this on here already... Two business men meet for lunch...one says to the other 'John, you won't believe the Freudian slip I made this morning', 'What's a Freudian slip' asks his mate, 'well' says John, 'you know when you mean to say something but end up saying the wrong thing instead', 'er, not really' says the other guy 'tell me what you said and I might understand' 'ok' says John 'I was booking a business trip to the US and meant to ask the lady in the travel agent for a flight to Pittsburgh but she happened to be an attractive girl and, shall we say, well endowed so instead I asked for a flight to titsburgh' 'OHH' says the other lad 'I know exactly what you mean now, just this morning I was having breakfast with the Mrs and meant to say 'pass the cornflakes, please' and instead I said 'you've ruined my life, you f***** cow'.....

U21 fan (None) - Posts: 126 - 23/05/2009 15:51:55    291718

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint
> of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'. The barman is amazed but gives
> the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit
> drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
>
>
>
> The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of
> Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the
> rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round)
> gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them
> and leaves.
>
> The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says 'A
> pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman'. The crowd
> is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then
> burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
>
> The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have
> been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making
> more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit
> and says, 'A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please
> barman', smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman
> says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of
> them Ham and Cheese Toasties'.
>
> The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper,
> when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a
> very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie'. The rabbit looks him in the eye
> and says, 'Are you sure I will like it?' The masses bated breath is
> ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says 'Do you
> think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love
> it'. 'Ok' says the rabbit,' I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and
> Onion Toastie'. The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer
> and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....
>
> ......NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
>
> One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who
> has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.
> When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white
> form, floating above the bar. The barman says, 'Who are you' To which
> he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent
> your public house'. The barman says, 'I remember you, you made me
> famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a
> Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was
> famous' The rabbit says, 'Yes I know'. The barman said, 'I remember,
> on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had
> a Cheese and Onion one instead' The rabbit said 'Yes, you promised me
> that I would love it'. The barman said 'You never came back, what
> happened?'
>
> 'I DIED', said the Rabbit.
>
> 'NO!' said the barman,'what from'.
> After a short pause. The rabbit said...
>
>
> 'Mixin'-me-toasties'

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 23/05/2009 21:51:17    291898

A tourist is in a graveyard in Vienna when he hears music. With no one around, he goes looking for the source. He finds it's coming from Ludwig Van Beethoven's grave. Then he realises it's the Fifth Symphony being played backward! Puzzled, he goes in search of the caretaker. Upon their return, they can now hear the Third Symphony. Asked for an explanation about the music, the care-taker explains that its simply because he's decomposing!

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 23/05/2009 23:02:47    291931

There are two legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost.

They've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them.

Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realise that it's really there.


So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?"
The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."


The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water."


The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me... all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there," he said, pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot help you..."


The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look mate, we need water or we'll die. We've been travelling without water for days and need some now, Do you have any you can sell us?"


The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration."


The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands.

Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun.

As they did so, one turned to the other, and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands." The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar..."

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 29/05/2009 22:11:50    297725

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 05/06/2009 19:14:25    302972

Man is taken to court after he doused his wife with petrol and set her alight. When asked by the judge why did he do this he replied "I knew she wouldnt go on diesel"

Top_Dog (Donegal) - Posts: 73 - 05/06/2009 20:43:00    303027