what did the boxer have written on his tombstone?

-Ya can stop counting im not getting up!

what do ya call a boxer crossed with a hover?

-mike dyson.

the bad ones are really the best ones lads

jaffacake (Meath) - Posts: 720 - 03/04/2009 11:12:44    247230

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to **** ya both." "**** off you liar!". "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of ******' one?"

Johnno81 (Offaly) - Posts: 68 - 03/04/2009 11:38:30    247268

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.' THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!' 'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS WITH HER. HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.' 'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, I WAS WITH HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE F*R*ED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... AND TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'

Johnno81 (Offaly) - Posts: 68 - 03/04/2009 11:58:01    247292

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound te*ti*les, Turner Brown." The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my te*ti*les weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"

Johnno81 (Offaly) - Posts: 68 - 03/04/2009 12:19:59    247319

3 men taking part in an intelligence test were asked the following question.

A man and woman are in bed nude with the woman lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is also lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

When time was up the 3 were brought in to give their answers. The first man from Canada said "my answer is there is no answer" the second from Scotland said "my answer is that there is no way to know the answer based on the information we were given". The third man from Ireland says "I'm not exactly sure but I have it down to 2 possibilities, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer"!

bocerty (Tyrone) - Posts: 539 - 03/04/2009 12:42:01    247336

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.... The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles. One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down. A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?" Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks." After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?" Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick ****... How about yourself?" The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some idiot in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say." How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side. I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to **** off."

donegal_insider (Donegal) - Posts: 584 - 03/04/2009 12:48:16    247343

Breaking News :- Manchester City have sold Shaun-Wright Phillips to .............. Madonna. !!



A text i just got and me not even a soccer follower !!

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 03/04/2009 13:34:48    247399

A man walks into a bar with an alligator and says to the barman " do you serve Meathmen in here?" "yeh, of course" says the barman.
" Well, give two to the alligator"

realgaa (UK) - Posts: 128 - 03/04/2009 14:53:20    247486

What do ya do when ya see Lady GaGa?
- Poke Her Face

How do ya get Pickachu on the bus ?
- Poke Him On

Galway11 (Galway) - Posts: 570 - 04/04/2009 13:01:58    248157

BIBLE SALES

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and
distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept
to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.
The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?
"The minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"
Louie just nodded. "That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know ff-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-wou ld yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m -me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

bocerty (Tyrone) - Posts: 539 - 04/04/2009 15:53:06    248204

04/04/2009 13:01:58
Galway11
County: Galway
Posts: 4

248157
What do ya do when ya see Lady GaGa?
- Poke Her Face

How do ya get Pickachu on the bus ?
- Poke Him On

Lady Gaga is stinkin so I wouldnt poke her with a 40 foot barge pole,and that 2nd 1 was as we say down in Wexford town as CHAPE

Duffy89 (Wexford) - Posts: 3320 - 04/04/2009 16:52:36    248225

Paddy English man, Paddy Irish man and Paddy Scots man were in a plane crash. The plain landed on a deserted island with no food or water. They were the only 3 that survived so they said they will have to eat the pilot.

Paddy English man says "I'm from Liverpool so I'll eat his liver."
Paddy Scots man says "I'm from Headminister so I'll eat his head"
Then Paddy Irish man says "I'm from Ballsbridge but I'm not hungry!!"

mondred (Wexford) - Posts: 872 - 04/04/2009 18:54:07    248262

A young bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.



He was not familiar with the backwoods area, became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late and saw the digger and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where the vault lid was already in place. He assured the workers he would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. He played out his heart and soul. As he played the workers began to weep. He played and like he'd never played before: From My Home & The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest.



He closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to his car. As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before - and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


______________________________________________________________

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 07/04/2009 22:24:45    251432

poor enough one here........george bushes personal assisstant walks into the white house and informs him that 3 brazilian soilders have died in iraq...bush is overcome with emotion and starts to panick,his assisstant cant understand why he has taken the news so badly and tries to console him...eventually bush calms down and asks "okay,exactly how many is a brazilion?"

the_wee_parish (Louth) - Posts: 197 - 12/04/2009 15:26:45    255259

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down
when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass,
the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya
decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I
misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that
McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every
Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and
figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to
leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal
McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10
Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat
after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said;
"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would
rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou
Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 04/05/2009 22:01:35    274802

"Explosion in Pie Factory - 3.14 Feared Dead"

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 9741 - 05/05/2009 11:46:32    275038

lol

Dr.Shephard (Leitrim) - Posts: 2187 - 05/05/2009 11:58:25    275051

Everyone who tastes my homemade wine says it tastes horrible.
I think it's just sour grapes.

Why do bulimics love KFC?
Because it comes with a bucket.

I wonder if the swine flu is as contagious as the Mexican wave.

donegal_insider (Donegal) - Posts: 584 - 05/05/2009 15:50:03    275317

Two crisp packets were walking down the road and a van pulls up and says : " Yous wana lift "? They reply, " No were walkers ." Ha

Lofty (Monaghan) - Posts: 727 - 06/05/2009 09:52:53    275893

two vomits sliding down the street, past a particularly rough drinking establishment. One vomit says to the other ' that placee is a right dump'.
the other vomit replies ' what are you talking about, i was brought up in there'......

Chester1970 (Armagh) - Posts: 509 - 06/05/2009 10:42:15    275937