CREDIT CRUNCH TIPS!!!! DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead. SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y, DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the object you wish to view. MANCHESTER UTD FANS can save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake ***** to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance. HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket. OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know. SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence. OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the benefit. WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes. MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs. SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed. WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking O's. Most men couldn't care less anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house afterwards.

Dubinmeath (Dublin) - Posts: 1123 - 12/03/2009 13:56:32    230924

Just saw this sign for a support group in my local hospital it said ;

"Got Schizophrenia? You're Not Alone"

black&white (Sligo) - Posts: 1628 - 13/03/2009 09:42:30    231487

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-byes as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down. They stopped to chat. "Sorry about the mix up" says the Pope. "No problem," replies Clinton. "Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven." Clinton asks, "Why's that?" "Well, I've always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary." President Clinton replies, "you're a day late".

black&white (Sligo) - Posts: 1628 - 13/03/2009 09:48:48    231496

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie." Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?' "Now tell me: what the hell would you say?"

black&white (Sligo) - Posts: 1628 - 13/03/2009 09:51:06    231499

The couple was 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. And, though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last three decades. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their car crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the Pearly Gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes, freshly pressed, in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied. "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the green fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day - any starting time you wish." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the couple. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!" The old man pushed, "No gym to work out?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself." The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your ****ing fat-free bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago!"

caveman (Dublin) - Posts: 77 - 13/03/2009 18:12:21    231969

would you like pepperoni on that pizza haha

32_4_1 (Meath) - Posts: 4124 - 13/03/2009 18:19:41    231973

A
young BLONDE was driving through the Florida Everglades while on
vacation.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine Alligator
shoes in the worst way, but
was very reluctant to pay the high prices
the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with
the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the
young Blonde declared,
'Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my
own alligator and get a
pair of shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, Well
little lady, why don't you go
on and give it a try?'

The
blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.


Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the
same young
woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in
hand.

As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge nine foot
gator swimming rapidly
toward her.

With lightning reflexe 's,

the blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls
it up onto the
slippery bank.

Nearby were seven more dead gators, all lying belly
up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent
amazement.

The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the
gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in
frustration, 'DUNG" THIS
ONE'S BAREFOOT,
TOO!'

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 13/03/2009 22:39:48    232165

Murphy was bragging to his boss one day, "I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Murphy, how about Tom Cruise?" "Tom and I are old mates, and I can prove it." So Murphy and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Murphy! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Murphy that his knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Murphy says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Murphy says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Murphy on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Murphy, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Murphy, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Murphy. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Murphy and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Murphy says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Murphy emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Murphy returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Murphy asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's the **** is that up there with Murphy?"

Plastic Paddy (Tyrone) - Posts: 664 - 14/03/2009 13:19:18    232322

An ATF officer stops at a farm in New Hampshire and talks with an old farmer. He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs.' The old farmer says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there.'

The ATF officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge?
This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old farmer hears loud screams and sees the ATF officer running for his life chased close behind by the farmer's prize bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old farmer throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge! Show him your badge!!!'

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 20/03/2009 21:04:32    236031

A man seeking to join the Bloomfield, New Jersey's Sheriff's Office
The Deputy doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 20/03/2009 21:35:55    236047

A little boy was sitting on the street with a gallon of turpentine,shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.


The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Honda Civic."

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 24/03/2009 22:18:05    238717

very good

tomaoo7 (Dublin) - Posts: 5896 - 24/03/2009 22:48:27    238761

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye......It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought......

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a
closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway...'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 27/03/2009 16:31:07    241484

How many Galway players would get on the Portumna team?

Dr.Shephard (Leitrim) - Posts: 2187 - 27/03/2009 16:51:10    241517

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowoman?


SNOWBALLS

mondred (Wexford) - Posts: 872 - 27/03/2009 17:17:19    241563

Two old women walking past the graveyard late at night when a joker with a white sheet over his head hops up on the wall and shouts " Hocus Pocus".
One old one says " Son, never mind the hocus bit "

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 27/03/2009 18:39:01    241628

this may not be PC A Muslim suicide bomber carrys out an attack and kills himself (obvious) When his soul wakes up he sees a big shinny pearly stairs. so he starts to make his way up and eventully he sees a man with long hair and a beard and asks "are you Mohammad?", the bearded man says "no no, I'm Peter. Mohammad is on up" he thinks cool, Mohammad is above St Peter! He comes across another bearded man and asks, "are you Mohammad?", "no no, I'm Jesus, Mohammad further up" wow he thinks, higher up than Jesus. He then meets a big man with long beautiful locks of hair sitting in a big gold throne. "are you Mohammad?" " No my son I'm God, but you look wrecked, would you drink a cup of tae?" "I'd love one" he says "Mohammad you little so and so, get the flippin kettle on!!!"

wise_guy (Tyrone) - Posts: 1584 - 27/03/2009 20:14:58    241714

The dead duck.

 

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck 'Cuddles' has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested, "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, returning a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot.

The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I've already told you, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"£150.00!", she cried, "£150.00 ... ...just to tell me my duck is dead!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. but if you'd taken my word for it in the first place, the bill would have been £20.00, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now gone up to £150.00."

Dubinmeath (Dublin) - Posts: 1123 - 01/04/2009 13:11:35    245360

A woman brings eight year old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her 8 year old daughter. Johnny's ma says "lets not be to harsh on them..... they are bound to be curious about *** some times" "Curious about ***?" replies Mary's ma...... "He's taken her fecking appendix out"

wise_guy (Tyrone) - Posts: 1584 - 03/04/2009 09:28:56    247119

Rev John Flapps sees a lady church member getting very drunk in the pub. He tries to take her home but they fall and he ends up on top of her.

The barman shouts "hi fella, you can't be at that in here!!"

Rev replies "You don' understand, I'm Pastor Flapps"

Barman "ahh well, if your in that far you may as well finish the job!!"

wise_guy (Tyrone) - Posts: 1584 - 03/04/2009 09:41:02    247127