full version 3inarow As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull. He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told there was no liability and He could get lost! You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE. Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face. Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl. "That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?" "No problem", said Joe "I'm an ex-tractor fan"

joan_balantine (UK) - Posts: 824 - 11/02/2009 11:12:03    203986

A maths question.

Steven Gerrard is chasing a high ball into the opposition box.
The ball is 7 yards in the air.
How high does Steven have to jump to get a penalty?

gottabetrue (Tyrone) - Posts: 300 - 13/02/2009 16:08:47    206278

bit cryptic for me boss, whats the punchline

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 13/02/2009 21:30:26    206560

A chinese man walks into a bar with a parrot on his head

The bar man says "bloody hell, where did you get that"

The parrot says "China, theres millions of them"

frankbhoy77 (Antrim) - Posts: 1300 - 13/02/2009 23:43:44    206646

gottabetrue
County: Tyrone
Posts: 97

206278 A maths question.

Steven Gerrard is chasing a high ball into the opposition box.
The ball is 7 yards in the air.
How high does Steven have to jump to get a penalty?


its steven gerrard, it doesnt matter how high or low he jumps th ereferees will give him the penalty anyway!!!

frankbhoy77 (Antrim) - Posts: 1300 - 13/02/2009 23:54:18    206651

Strabane man walking down the road with one shoe on. A passing motorist stops and says , ''hey ther , did you lose a shoe??'' The Strabane replies , ''no sir'' , ''I found one!!''

dubupnorth (Dublin) - Posts: 1897 - 14/02/2009 09:36:36    206703

frankbhoy77 County: Antrim Posts: 17 206651 gottabetrue County: Tyrone Posts: 97 206278 A maths question. Steven Gerrard is chasing a high ball into the opposition box. The ball is 7 yards in the air. How high does Steven have to jump to get a penalty? its steven gerrard, it doesnt matter how high or low he jumps th ereferees will give him the penalty anyway!!! OH! I SEE

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 15/02/2009 21:03:17    207532

a kerry man living in cork whos children were born and raised in cork was asked if his children were cork supporters.
his answer: our lord was born in a stable, was he a horse?

cornerforward13 (Kerry) - Posts: 74 - 15/02/2009 22:31:31    207649

An old farmer was standing out in his field one day below in kerry and an american pulled over and started taliking to him. The american said to the farmer "Is this the size of your farm, my god I have a ranch in the states and it takes me the whole day to drive around it in my car." The old farmer says "Jesus, I had a car like that one time."

JohnMitchel (Dublin) - Posts: 178 - 16/02/2009 09:42:19    207853

why wasn't jesus born in kerry??

























because they couldnt get 3 wise men in kerry!!

gaa.lover (Galway) - Posts: 11 - 16/02/2009 19:34:46    208687

Woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in... *... *... *.. *... *... His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: PASSWORD REJECTED....... NOT LONG ENOUGH

Boxtyeater (Leitrim) - Posts: 735 - 18/02/2009 13:26:17    210689

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!! A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen girls than let liquor touch my lips!' Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!' Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?' Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!' Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on' Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?' 'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!' Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common? A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch if you got a dodgy one! Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap! Paddy's chat up lines: 1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away! 2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special! 3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in! 4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them! 5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you i tighten up! 6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away! Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off. He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?' Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!' An Irishman is dating a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!' She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!' Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!' Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!' Paddy says 'Whats his name?' Mick replies 'Miles from London!' An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick c**ts like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!'

nemo (None) - Posts: 112 - 20/02/2009 15:05:53    213268

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son t o drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!' The bartender continues to shake his head in dis may. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, ------------------------------------------------------------ (Take a deep breath) 'He should've quit while he was a head!'

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 20/02/2009 15:57:32    213352

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son t o drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!' The bartender continues to shake his head in dis may. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, 'He should've quit while he was a head!'

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 20/02/2009 16:20:06    213393

Part 1 PRIMARY SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the "bottle" of the participants. There is a sliding scale from those who hasten to stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their G & T's and journey from the staff room, known as "chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as "nutters". It is important, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five nutters against one. The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play. PARAMETERS The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather. It is important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across the goal mouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the post" and is thus disallowed. In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, regardless of the height of the keeper. The width of the pitch is variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to go before the pursuing defender gives up. At free kicks, the scale of the pitch justifies placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball. It is the formal response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball. TACTICS Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from e.g. 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2, the playground side is usually ore rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation. STOPPAGES Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows more freely, with play continuing around or even on top of a participant who has fallen - or more likely been pushed - over. Other stoppages : 1. Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck ball and any others he claims it may have struck before is appearing into forbidden territory.

Fat Boy (Cavan) - Posts: 372 - 27/02/2009 11:27:36    219965

Part 2 2. Bigger boys steal the ball. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart. 3. Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street or local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed the heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death. Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn >how to play with it properly". CELEBRATION Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands in the air. But making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross. A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard rocket (actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's not a full-size pitch") will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst >of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet "****ing poacher" from the opposing defence. "****ing goal-hanger" is the preferred alternative. Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker. Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking. PENALTIES At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one more for a hat trick. In the playground the best player usually takes the penalties but he may defer to the 'best fighter' or if the side is >comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty. Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties. CLOSE SEASON This is known also as the Summer Holidays, when the players dabble briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about an hour and a half until they reckon it really is as boring playing as it is to watch.

Fat Boy (Cavan) - Posts: 372 - 27/02/2009 11:28:03    219966

The fire brigade phones Pat gilroy in the early hours one sunday morning.
"Mr Gilroy sir,Parnell park is on fire" he tells him.
"The cups man, Save the cups!" cries Pat.
"Don't worry Mr Gilroy" the caller says,"the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet"


Little johnny turned
to his classmate jill
and declared,"you have a face
like a saint."Jill quickly blushed and
said,"Really?which one?"
"A Saint Bernard" replied Johnny.

williewentwell (Tyrone) - Posts: 1712 - 27/02/2009 11:47:49    220010

Teacher - Johnny, How do you spell crocodile ?
Johnny - K-R-O-K-O-D-I-L-El.
Teacher No Johnny thats wrong !
Johnny - But you asked how i spelt it !!

Teacher - Mary, Come up to the map and point out America for us !
Very Good Mary, Now class who discovered America ?
Class - Mary did !!

Religion teacher - John, do your family say prayers before you eat ?
John - No we dont have to, Mammy is a good cook !!

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 27/02/2009 12:22:14    220089

Whats the difference between a Dog and a Fox ?...........................TEN PINTS!

gaelantrim (Antrim) - Posts: 1616 - 27/02/2009 12:40:56    220126

Tale of the Wexford Sausage


Matty & PJ Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only

raise the staggering sum of one Euro.



Mickey said "Hang on, I have an idea."



He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.



PJ said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"Mickey replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."



He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.PJ said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"



Mickey replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"



They downed their Drinks. Mickey said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."



The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.



They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.



At the tenth pub Pj said "Mickey - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are

killin'me!"



Mickey said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 06/03/2009 22:11:31    226305