What did the horse say to the one-legged man?

How are you gettin on?


What do gay horses eat?

***adopt camp voice*** He-ey!

Breffni40 (Cavan) - Posts: 12295 - 29/01/2009 16:55:21    193417

What about the dyslexic bank robber !! He runs into the bank and shouts " Air in the hands mother-stickers, this is a ####-up "

Cavan_Slasher (Cavan) - Posts: 10253 - 29/01/2009 17:07:00    193446

Two dyslexics walked into a bra...

Man walks into a psychiatrist's office stark naked and wrapped in cellophane. Psychiatrist says: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts..."

mossbags (Galway) - Posts: 1089 - 29/01/2009 17:53:43    193499

What do you do if your husband is limping round the back garden,covered in blood and screaming?
Keep clam.
Focus,
Reload
and shoot again.

williewentwell (Tyrone) - Posts: 1712 - 29/01/2009 19:46:39    193570

Little Sean from Glasgow was on holiday in Rome with his family and were in St Peters Square for the Popes Sunday mass.
"Dad, I want to say Hello to the Pope" said Sean. His father says "Right, put on your Celtic top and stand at the front, when His Holiness drives past in the Pope-Mobil, he'll see the Celtic top and he's bound to stop and say Hi".
So Sean dons his Celtic top, stands right at the front and awaits the Pope. After a while he sees the Pope-Mobil getting near, then it drives right past little Sean and just a few yards away the Pope gets out and talks to a little lad in a Rangers top.
Sean is distraught.
"Right" says his dad, "Tomorrow, put on a Rangers top and stand at the front and the Pope is sure to see you and stop and say Hello".
The next day Sean does exactly that, stands right at the front with his Rangers top on and sees the Pope get near, the Pope-Mobil stops right in front of Sean and the Pope gets out, leans towards Sean and says "I thought I told you to feck off yesterday !!!"

KerryLondonder (None) - Posts: 37 - 30/01/2009 08:04:39    193873

I got these in an mail today. I had a gud laugh at them hope this gives ye a laugh on this wet miserable day The following questions and answers were collected from last year's Junior Cert exam results. These are genuine responses!! (from 16year olds)! classics Geography Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Sociology Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed. Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Biology Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: What is artificial insemination? A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A] Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax theabdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U. Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does 'varicose' mean? A: Nearby. Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section.' A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome. Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor. Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport. Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas. English Q: Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning. A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. Q: What does the word 'benign' mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. Technology Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head.

nemo (None) - Posts: 112 - 30/01/2009 12:35:47    194109

The Cork County Board have asked the GAA to postpone their involvement in the Hurling Championship until July in order to allow the players to sit their Junior Certs.

Dubinmeath (Dublin) - Posts: 1123 - 30/01/2009 12:46:54    194125

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of those Pedigree Chum biscuits one day in Tesco's. As I was standing in the queue at the till a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pedigree Chum biscuit diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Pedigree Chum biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my n**s and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack, as he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. Stupid cow.........why else would I buy dog food.

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 9738 - 30/01/2009 13:42:44    194176

Some Maths +Logic: Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. (It also made me Laugh Out Loud.) Remember, this is a strictly mathematical viewpoint. It goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5= 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-*-*-* 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far a** kissing will take you. A-*-*-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bulls*** and A** kissing that will put you over the top. 'REMEMBER: SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM..'

2leftfeet (None) - Posts: 130 - 30/01/2009 14:00:29    194200

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago ?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes !," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."

2leftfeet (None) - Posts: 130 - 30/01/2009 14:02:56    194206

from the Mountnugent club notes on the cavan mainpage

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and with the aid of the mirror began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.





©2008 Lynn Publications

toolbox (None) - Posts: 68 - 30/01/2009 14:43:00    194269

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's Junior Cert exam results. These are genuine responses!! Geography Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Sociology Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed. Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Biology Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: What is artificial insemination? A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A] Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax theabdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U. Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does 'varicose' mean? A: Nearby. Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section.' A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome. Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor. Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport. Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas. English Q: Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning. A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. Q: What does the word 'benign' mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. Technology Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head.

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 30/01/2009 18:09:29    194487

Why couldn't the man fit into the lift?

Because he had a canoe on his head.

A_Border_Bandit (Monaghan) - Posts: 95 - 03/02/2009 05:18:36    196505

1st Night Back Training After a players meeting held the Saturday night before, where all the talk is about the lads given up the drink for the whole year & lads never missing a training session, your approach this year renewed hope that it would be different than the shambles that was last year. You arrive in the door from work & forget that you've training in 2 hours time & eat the dinner, followed by tea & whatever biscuits are still left in the tin of USA biscuits from the Chris tmas. No sooner do you stand up from the table than you remember you've to head down to training, your brain hits overdrive as you try to think of an injury that you possibly could have...that you only sustained in the last 48hrs, because as you explained to the players in the smoking room in the local pub on Saturday night, you've never felt in better shape. Jesus that was some session though Saturday night. You decide that you better head down to training (sure it might not be too bad after all its the 1st night back & the manager won't want to torture ye...after all the players had no respect for him last year, maybe he'll go easy on you tonight while the other lads are running laps). You grab the jacket & the gear bag & head for the door. You remember your going without the f*gs, but you reckon your better off not bringing them, after all you told the lads you were off them!!! You pull in to the pitch & see lads sitting in cars looking out at some lad whose setting out cones all round the field, you decide to head in to the dressing room, show the lads how serious you are!!! You wander in & find the manager & 3 selectors standing there chatting...but if there in here, then whose out there putting down the cones. They explain that they've got an army lad in for the next 2 months to get ye in good shape...you feel the spuds churning in your stomach...something tells you, you'll see them again before the nights out. You break out the brand new gear & a few lads admire the new Puma boots you bought, ?180 you inform them...there also the same 1's Ciaran Whelan & Munnelly wear. You check the cogs, which look like something NASA came up with, but you reckon it'll give you that extra yard in training. You chat to the same lads that you only spoke to last year, the same lads who arrived late last year, are arriving late as you head out the dressing room door & into the bitterly cold January night air, it most definitely wasn't this cold earlier on. You run on to the pitch & survey the cones laid out, its hard to know exactly what sort of football drills this lad is likely to be using here...you then notice that there's actually not an O'Neills football in sight. Your run slows down to a jog, then to a walk...no point over doing it yet!!! Training starts at 8, although its 8.15 & lads are still coming out on to the field...little do they realise that every time a lad comes after 8 your trainer adds on an extra lap to be run at the end of training by everyone. You start off training by running aimlessly over & back across the field...every now & again the trainer shouts for ye to sprint...but your already at full tilt to stay with them as it is. After 10-15 mins of agony ye stop for stretching, this apparently was only the warm up... After you've finished stretching ye proceed to run around the field for what seems an eternity, but what the trainer informs you has only been 12 mins!!! At this stage your lungs are killing you & you regret ever taking up smoking 40 a day, & your dinner is slowly working its way back up your stomach!!! Your also well sick of the county minor player lapping you on these runs...who does he think he is? It comforts you a huge amount when you discover that he's recently been dropped off the panel, yet still trained tonight in the gear that you know his mother went out & bought him!!!

gaafollower (Donegal) - Posts: 30 - 04/02/2009 12:18:50    197824

Cont. from above Another 45 mins of running laps, sprints, shuttle runs, sit ups, push ups, & more laps, the trainer says 1 final lap to finish up. This is your moment to shine. You decide to hit the front early & set the pace...you go full pelt...you feel fitter, faster & stronger than ever before. You might have died for the last hour & a half or so but now your going to show them. 40 yards in to the run...you hit your 10th brick wall of the night & lads coast out by you, you try to stay going, but every step feels like a knife in the chest. Finally you give up & walk the last half a lap, where the other lads are just finished stretching!!! You try & stretch but your 2 legs feel like 2 concrete pillars so you decide there's no point & head in to the dressing room...a hot shower is just what you need!!! You greeted at the door by the Chairman who informs ye all that no one turned on the boiler for the showers so there's no hot water in it!!! You throw on the clothes & scab a cigarette off 1 of the lads before you get in the car to drive home. As you drive home, you thank god your the only goalie in the club, they won't see you at training again till mid March!!!

gaafollower (Donegal) - Posts: 30 - 04/02/2009 12:19:39    197828

Mick, from Dublin,
appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards
the end of the program had already won £500,000.

'You've done very well so far,'
said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
'but for a million pounds you've only got one
life-line left -

phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question......

will you go for it?'

'Sure,'said Mick,'I'll have a go!'

Which of the following birds does not build its own nest?

a) Sparrow, b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d)Cuckoo?'

'I haven't got a clue,'
said Mick,''

so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin.'

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.

Hell, Mick!' cried Paddy.

'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm sure.'

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,

'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris

'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed,

'Cuckoo is the correct answer!

Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.'

Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo
that doesn't build its own nest?'

'Because he lives in a clock!'

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 04/02/2009 20:48:35    198426

Daddy Tomato, Mommy Tomato and Baby Tomato were walking down the street.
Baby Tomato is falling behind.
Daddy Tomato goes back to him, squashes him with his hand and says 'Ketch up'.


And a Kerry special...

What do you call a man who used to be a tractor enthusiast.

An ex-tractor fan.

3inarow2008 (Kerry) - Posts: 204 - 05/02/2009 00:27:04    198613

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.' So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?' 'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. 'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.' Wow, that's great!' the husband said .. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!' 'And now,' the couple a sked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have *** with your wife.' The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?' She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?' You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon. After about three hours, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?' 'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.. 'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 09/02/2009 21:43:16    202477

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and 'count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' 'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Scotland, parts of Leeds and anywhere in Wales..

dhorse (Laois) - Posts: 11374 - 09/02/2009 22:22:12    202517

The teacher is doing maths with her class one day (in a particularly dodgy part of inner city Limerick). She says to Little Johnny, "If there were three birds on a fence and the farmer came along and shot one how many would be left then? "None" replies Johnny. "Why do you say that?" asks the teacher. " Well", says Johnny "one bird would be dead and the other two would fly away when they heard the gunshot". The teacher replies "That's not the right answer but I do like your way of thinking Johnny". "Now teacher", says Johnny "I've got a question for you. There are three ladies sitting on a park bench eating icecream cones. The first one is biting into the ice cream at an awful rate. The second one is slowly licking the ice cream and the third one has thrown the ice cream out and has turned the cone around and is sucking the pointy end in her mouth. Which one of these women is married?" The teacher is suitably mortified but reluctantly replies " I suppose it's the one who has turned the cone around and is sucking the other end" " No actually, it's the one wearing the wedding ring, but I do like YOUR way of thinking teacher!"

3inarow2008 (Kerry) - Posts: 204 - 11/02/2009 08:09:52    203850