have come across dialogue between Man City and AC Milan superstar Kaka. Unfortunately I only have the script from the City end but I think it is clear for all as to the total content:


"Hello, is that Kaka? How do you fancy becoming the supply line to Craig Bellamy and Darius Vassell this winter?

"No, your fellow countryman doesn't like the cold and will be out until mid April - but you will play alongside Stephen Ireland"

"No, Kaka, Ireland is a person not a country"

"yes, I fully appreciate that he is not Ronaldinho, Pirlo or even Beckham but many fans have him in their fantasy football"

"I know you are currently the richest man in Italy but we can double it!"

"erm, well, we have had a bit of a slide recently and we are currently 15th"

"erm, out of 20...... but Mark Hughes once won the double for our neighbours"

"Hughes"

"Ex Blackburn boss"

"Blackburn, Blackburn Rovers"

"No, Blackburn......Black.....Burn"

"HUGHES man, HUGHES!!!"

"He once scored a good goal against Spain"

"No, thats Gerry Armstrong..... anyway, are you coming or not?"

"Usually about two thirds full but if we play a big team its really rocks"

"yes I know, but we dont even have a car park cos all the fans walk to the ground they are so local"

"Relevance? well, I suppose its all they have to brag about whether its true or not"

"Only the one to be fair but its called 'blue moon' you will love it"

"Blue"

"yes, definitely blue, always has been"

"No, no, no, they are in Trafford"

"yes they are, steeped in it in fact but what good is history to you my ambitious friend?"

"erm, 1976 I think"

"it was the er, the er League cup if memory serves me right"

"Well, the plan was to get in the top 4 this season and then....."

"yes, I realise that but....."

"Aston Villa? Whats it got to do with them?"

"Yes, I know but we have been down this history route already"

"How the heck does a Brazilian playing in Italy know about Nottingham Forest?"

"Yes, yes, and Leeds United also made a final but you are missing my point, this is all about the future"

"Give me strength......HUGHES!!!!"

"yes I know he did and he was a legend there but he is a changed man"

"forget them, they are falling apart"

"But all those trophies were won last year! They have won nothing in 2009"

"I have told you.... 1976!!!!"

"How the heck does a Brazilian playing in Italy know that Virginia Wade has won Wimbledon since then?"

"Yes she probably is in her 60's"

"I dont know, probably about 10 league titles, 2 european cups and countless domestic cups what has that got to do with it?"

"76,000 why?"

"yes, every game, even minor cups I suppose, but where is this getting us?"

"Yes, the league cup is considered a minor cup over here why?"

"I know, I know, I know, ok perhaps they won the FA Cup in 1970 or something does it really matter?"

"look, Kaka, we will treble whatever you are on now, buy you a mansion in Alderley Edge and give you a helicopter for your front lawn....are you joining us?"

"NO!, its owned by the council - what has the ground got to do with anything"

"well, officially its the city of manchester stadium but most people call it Eastlands"

"EAST!, not Waste"

"You will be adored there"

"No, not there, here I meant"

"No, thats Old Trafford, I meant adored here at Waste....erm, Eastlands"

"Anderson??? what does he know?"

"Ok I hear what you say, but other than Pride, Ambition, Achievement, History, Passion and a large car park - what can they offer you?"

"what do you mean no credit left in your phone.....I phoned you"

"Hello, Mr Kaka,...... Mr Kaka are you there?............................YOU RED *******!!!!!"

Liamwalkinstown (Dublin) - Posts: 8166 - 21/01/2009 16:15:10    186085

An armed dwarf held up a bank in Dublin to-day and made off with an undisclosed sum of money...........

Gardai are searching for a sawn off man with a shotgun :)

Faithful_Fan (Offaly) - Posts: 34 - 21/01/2009 16:42:39    186146

Best joke i've heard so far this year is a Mayo man declaring his county as real all Ireland contenders!! fell around the place laughin when i heard that one!!

Chops (Westmeath) - Posts: 801 - 21/01/2009 16:51:11    186164

david beckham arrives at training with a flashy new flask. pirlo says to him " whats that thing for david"? beckham looks at him indiginitly- "its a flask you plonker,its for keeping hot things hot and cold things cold". "ah,"says pirlo, "what have ya in it"?
beckham replies - "a Litre of coffee and a choc ice"....

hahaha, i crack me up.

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 21/01/2009 17:04:01    186194

After 18 years of marriage the missus still cracks up when I use her toothbrush. So if any of ye know how to get dog **** out of my trainers I'm all ears.

JayoCluxton (Dublin) - Posts: 2688 - 21/01/2009 22:54:45    186646

Obama the 1st black president.Lewis Hamilton the 1st black F1 world champ.Will Smith the world's highest paid actor.How times change.Its a good time to be black.Poor old Michael Jacksonmust be kicking himself.

Frances56 (Dublin) - Posts: 378 - 21/01/2009 23:27:40    186676

Two guys came knocking at my door once and said: "We want to talk to you about Jesus." I said: "Oh, no, what's he done now?"
- Kevin McAleer

charlotted (Leitrim) - Posts: 598 - 21/01/2009 23:46:51    186706

Priest's Retirement Dinner A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed , come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'... Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: 'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.' Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late

Chester1970 (Armagh) - Posts: 509 - 22/01/2009 08:51:31    186777

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered

Niamh (Derry) - Posts: 2397 - 22/01/2009 12:35:19    186912

How You Know You've Been Married Too Long- the wife sent me this one!

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting over lunch and conversation turns to their
relationships.
They decided that night to surprise their men. All three would wear a black leather bra and thong, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
A few days later they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but
we had wild sex for hours.
The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. He walked in the door, looked at me and said,
'What's for dinner, Batman?'

milo (Tyrone) - Posts: 238 - 23/01/2009 13:55:19    187981

I saw Michael Shields today.
He was wearing a "Free Steven Gerrard" t shirt.

gottabetrue (Tyrone) - Posts: 300 - 23/01/2009 15:42:31    188138

For my old friend L2TR,

Three Meathmen and Three Cavanmen are travelling on the new Navan train to Croke Park. At the station, the three Cavanmen each buy a Ticket and watch as the three Meathmen buy just one ticket between them. 'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the Cavanmen. 'Watch and learn' answers one of the Meathmen

They all board the train. The Cavanmen take their respective seats but all three Meathmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around Collecting Tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket please.'
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Cavanmen see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Meathmen on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Meathmen don't buy a ticket at all!!
'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed Cavanman. 'Watch and learn' answers a Meathman. When they board the train the three Cavanmen cram into a toilet, and soon after the three Meathmen cram into another toilet nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Meathmen leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Cavanmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, 'Ticket please.'

Regards, Mossbags


(Answer to question 1, I dont know why lads from Cavan and Meath are travelling to Croker:-)

mossbags (Galway) - Posts: 1089 - 25/01/2009 15:58:05    188985

HER DIARY: Thursday, 24th June Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went Shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of Silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep. HIS DIARY Thursday 24th June United lost to Liverpool . Gutted. Got a s*** though

JayoCluxton (Dublin) - Posts: 2688 - 29/01/2009 12:18:37    193056

2antennas meet each other on a roof and decide to get married...

the wedding wasnt good but the reception was great!!!

Ric Flair (None) - Posts: 180 - 29/01/2009 12:40:57    193077

I was in my local the last day with a friend of mine from Roscommon. He was ******* me off as he was non-stop texting his girlfriend and the bar man noticed this aswell. I explained that he was in trouble with the wife and the barman laughed. Finally my friend stopped txting and the barman came over to us again and told us this joke ---> What do you call your Girlfriend if you're both from Roscommon?? We were puzzled. He Answered ---> Mom. I cried my eyes laughing.

howstheform (Mayo) - Posts: 33 - 29/01/2009 12:42:08    193078

John worked in a small chemist but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Mick, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Mick's warning he sold the man a box of Laxatives and told him to take them all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Mick had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted the Laxative and told him to take it all at once," John explained. "A Laxative won't cure a cough" Mick shouted angrily. "Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

RMDrive (Donegal) - Posts: 2202 - 29/01/2009 14:07:06    193187

A Russian cyclist has been banned for life from the olympics because of suspected drug dealing. Apparently he was pedalling.

RMDrive (Donegal) - Posts: 2202 - 29/01/2009 14:08:16    193190

Recent research from the Society for Incomplete Research indicates that 9 out of 10

RMDrive (Donegal) - Posts: 2202 - 29/01/2009 14:10:41    193193

Hag and Cheese is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue saying, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!'

RMDrive (Donegal) - Posts: 2202 - 29/01/2009 14:13:59    193199

Iv Said it before and ill say it again - RMDrive you crack me up!!! the one with the research is class,awesome even

Rhodejim (Offaly) - Posts: 2888 - 29/01/2009 15:37:35    193309