Tomsmith here

In times of austerity and penny pinching and we need to tighten out belts we need some light heated end of the week wind down Jokes
Must be plenty out there for all to enjoy.
So here goes one that sent to me
Jimmy is in hospital with gangrene& has to have his leg amputated.

Day after the operation the doctor comes in & says "Jimmy, I have good news & bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Jimmy says, "Let's get the bad news out of the way first".

Doctor says "We took off the good foot off by mistake. So you will have to go back down & get the foot with gangrene off in an hour".

Jimmy says "Jaysus Doc, that's terrible, what's the good news?"

Doctor says "The fella in the bed beside you wants to buy your slippers".

tomsmith (Cavan) - Posts: 3982 - 05/06/2024 11:21:46    2549642

Great Tom, you just had us on the edge and just delivered the knock-out blow at the end.
Tell us another few.......

ExiledInWex (Dublin) - Posts: 1259 - 07/06/2024 12:27:58    2549984

Tomsmith here
. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

tomsmith (Cavan) - Posts: 3982 - 09/06/2024 16:29:49    2550360

Magpie2 (Wexford) - Posts: 386 - 09/06/2024 17:25:34    2550370

Roll on the 31st December.

Saynothing (Tyrone) - Posts: 2151 - 10/06/2024 13:23:29    2550559

Viking66 (Wexford) - Posts: 13886 - 10/06/2024 14:22:07    2550575

What do you get if you cross Tomsmith's deliberate misspellings and thinly veiled Cavan insults with spell check and a Monaghan accent?

Drumroll please!!

Veterngaa.

KingdomofBreifne (Cavan) - Posts: 154 - 10/06/2024 14:45:29    2550587

2 fellas arrested in Belfast City centre yesterday morning. One was drinking battery acid and the other one was eating fireworks. Cops charged the first fella and let the second guy off.

Ulsterman (Antrim) - Posts: 9785 - 10/06/2024 15:32:19    2550600

omahant (USA) - Posts: 2896 - 10/06/2024 15:54:49    2550610

TIPP GAA IN CRISIS ... JP Mcmanus steps in at last minute to pay Tipp GAA electricity bill so Munster final can take place ...game delayed half hour until money transfer goes through!

foreveryoung (USA) - Posts: 2095 - 10/06/2024 17:41:51    2550655

Tomsmith here
A Cavan Couple on the way up to Dublin stopped and went for breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two Eggs, Bacon, Hash Browns, and Toast for Euros 4..99.
"Sounds good," the wife said…"but I don't want the eggs.."
"Then, I'll have to charge you 10.99 because you're ordering a la carte,"…the waiter warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay EE 6.00 for not taking the eggs?"…the wife asked incredulously.
"YES!"… stated the waiter.
The Husband was amazed when she said "I'll take the special then,"
"Great…how do you want your eggs?"…the waiter asked.
"Raw and in the shell,"…the wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
DON'T MESS WITH Cavan people !!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!

tomsmith (Cavan) - Posts: 3982 - 11/06/2024 08:48:06    2550729

Once heard a yarn about a well known Republican guy up our way who lost a couple of toes due to diabetes in and around the time of GFA/decommissioning.

Someone supposed to have said, "Jeez thought it was just the arms ye were giving up?"

Lockjaw (Donegal) - Posts: 9519 - 11/06/2024 10:46:16    2550747

Pikeman96 (Wexford) - Posts: 2622 - 11/06/2024 14:33:29    2550822

Did people know that it was two Cavan who invented copper wire, they were fighting over a penny. Or the Cavan man dropped a penny and bent down to pick it up and it hit him on the back of the neck.

Saynothing (Tyrone) - Posts: 2151 - 13/06/2024 15:01:44    2551217

Tomsmith here
Ough here goes
Today I will be as useless as letter "g" in lasagna

tomsmith (Cavan) - Posts: 3982 - 13/06/2024 19:13:44    2551277

Tomsmith here
Ough here goes
Today I will be as useless as letter "g" in lasagna

tomsmith (Cavan) - Posts: 3982 - 13/06/2024 19:14:26    2551278

Westfester (Limerick) - Posts: 976 - 13/06/2024 23:03:23    2551313

Viking66 (Wexford) - Posts: 13886 - 14/06/2024 09:53:11    2551347

Tomsmith here

Wife asks her Husband a few questions about his life after she died
First would he remarry ?
After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?" "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would." "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?" "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last along time, so I guess she would." "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?" "Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed!"

tomsmith (Cavan) - Posts: 3982 - 03/07/2024 10:22:21    2556678

ExiledInWex (Dublin) - Posts: 1259 - 03/07/2024 13:54:19    2556740